Dear Diary,

Today I want to write about two things.

1. Pondicherry trip

2. 40 Rules of love.

Jiju came to Hyderabad and although I didn't want to go anywhere, but to keep sweety happy we planned to go to pondicherry. I am not sure if I did a good job at keeping her happy though.

I know, you'd think i am a horrible brother here. But i must write to you only the truth.

Lately, I think I am being annoyed by everyone, I dislike a few things, some of their behaviour very much and it annoys me and is very clearly visible on my face, I am slowly turning into bade mama, and my sisters hesitate before asking me things. I don't want to become like bade mama. I always thought we had more loving relationship and a very strong bond, being without father should make our bond more stronger. And we'll, most of the time i feel we are very close but some behaviours irritate me.

Once again, Forgive me for being a horrible brother. But I must write to you.

When I look at sweety, i feel she is always dissatisfied, always wanting more and never happy with what she has. She tries to be someone else, sometimes like Ruchi for example. She is also pretentious at times. She tries to find happiness in doing things others do. But the thing that annoys me the most is that she does everything to just put it on Instagram and show everyone with her mobile camera. Wherever we go it's just about photos and photos, this way and that way, taking a walk on the beach or looking at the sky when the sun is rising, but all of it, I feel, she doesn't enjoy at the moment, but all the while it's the thought of people thinking great about her when she puts it on Instagram is in her mind. While, in real, i don't think anybody thinks so great about anyone else.

Now, i know that a lot of girls(sometimes boys too) do this, they all put a lot of photos on insta(which appears to me as showing off only, nobody has given me an alternate reasonable point yet). I wish she didn't do it. Not just because it annoys me, but also because in my opinion, it would hurt her too. It reminds me of the story from Vipassana about the glass image we make of ourselves, it hurts eventually.

I know it could be really bad thing about me, but i sometimes think that she doesn't look as pretty as the other girls she is probably idealizing and we aren't that rich either. That's our reality, and we may or may not be able to change that, but being sad because we aren't that is what I don't want her to be. I wish she underdtands that We are all beautiful inside, we are all individuals with our own gifts, not resembling with anyone else.

Now about di. I don't know exactly what to say but i feel, sometimes in life we make people dependent on us in order to feel loved i think she is doing this with navu, her daughter, it's apparent in her talks, she says she does everything for her and her only, her life now revolves around her. Now, i know that in this life, i may never really know what a mother's love for her child is like. But i think somewhere along the line she is loosing her individuallily, it's not like she doesn't have othe desires, but she keeps hiding them under a veil. Wheneve i ask her, what do you want to eat, she would say something like, Mera to kuchh nahi, navu ke liye idli dekh lena. That annoys me. What about you. Do you want to go there ? Mera to kuchh nahi, lekin navu enjoy karegi kya vahan. :(

She does have desires and she too want things in life, but she would never ask it for herself. And it makes me sad that it's not her fault. She is wonderful, she is such great sister, she cares soo much about everyone, about me. Sooo much. But fate didn't give her the same thing. She deserved someone who would be soo loving and care about her emotions and her desires and she didn't deserve to go so mute about her desires, her individuality. But be it fate or our weakness that we got her married to jiju. He is a good man, but i never see him as someone she deserves. He doesn't care a lot and he doesn't respect her that much. He is a good man, but he has been raised in a different environment, it's probably not his fault too. But i wish my di kept her individuality and lived a life where she cared about herself more than others. And I wish jiju were a little more compassionate, understanding and caring husband.

So, although the trip was good, we had fun with few things... liked the beaches and Auroville but so many times, my annoyance was on my face and i know it has left both my sisters hurt. Rather than being compassionate with them, i have been irritated. I cannot reverse time and change things. I wish I could. This time i would be in a jolly mood all the time.

And now when writing to you, i think it's not them, it's probably just me. I think i am pointing these things too much, Beyond what I should be caring about.

I do it too. Not all the time but sometimes I too take fake candids and photos of me and post these on WhatsApp, just to show others. I am also pretentious at times. And i too get depressed sometimes comparing myself with others. And when I am with Sarita, unknowingly i too try to make her dependent on me. Like i would want to help her with everything, this too is an act of taking someone's individuality away.

I think the least i can do is to make up for my occasional rude behaviour there. Take them to good places now in a jolly mood.

Goodnight ❤️❤️

Michael janssens's Dear Diary