Dear Diary, it's really late at night again and I have these thoughts about relationships again. I feel like I wasted my whole life again.

It's my own fault that I feel like that again. I read stories from other people about their relationships, mostly from girls.

They are talking about all their relationships that only lasted a few months, the ones that lasted years, the one night stands and F+ they had when they were single and free and of course their current boyfriends.

And I feel so extremely envious. Like I never had this and I can never have any of this this ever in my life. And all of these were their bad stories, what are their good ones like???

I do realize that I sound entitled here. Of course nobody has to be together with me. But isn't it a basic human need to habe a partner, to love someone and have sex? Am I really so wrong to want that too.

But I am just not cut out for it. Women never see me as more than a friend.

I haven't told you about the girl I called Belle yet. She does want to meet me a lot, but everything she said, says that she isn't interested.

So I cling to this hope, because she DOES give me so much attention. But at the same time I know that it's false. I just don't know if I should be happy or sad about the situation.

I just wish men weren't expected to be the ones who act in these kind of sitiations. I know I will just hurt myself and others if I do what is expected from me.

Sorry again, but next time I will tell xpu more about Belle.

Andrei's Dear Diary