Cute redhead isn't working at the coffee shop tonight which sucks. I know she usually works Sundays and Tuesdays at least. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow. I'm just here to get out of the house. I was lazy all day and let myself just watch movies and chill. I don't really know what to do while I'm here this evening, but I'll find something.

I went rock climbing with Nick and Devon and Molly and some of their friends yesterday. It was the first time I had ever hung out with Devon as an adult and the first time with Nick in years. It was great for so many reasons. And we went to a brewery after and ate and just BSd about life and caught up. It was so needed. It was so good. Devon asked for my number as we were leaving and we plan to climb together again just the two of us since he's been doing it for years. I hugged him as I left. It was such a great night. No drama, no sadness, no push and pull, no toxicity, no "we probably shouldn't be doing this". It was just me and friends. It was healthy.

The medication is helping. I was always worried I wouldn't know if it was, but I know for a fact with the last week that I should be significantly worse than I am. The festering thoughts that pop into my head a dozen times a day should be sending me into spirals, but they aren't. It's odd. I imagine it like a monster who would always scare me, take away my control, and drive me down. And now he comes screaming out and I just stare blankly back at him and he back at I. I shrug him off and we go our separate ways until he tries again later on. This has never happened to me in my life. The only explanation is the medication. It is working. It does make a difference. If you ever question it, come back to this and read it carefully. You are better because of it. You are healthier because of it. You are happier because of it. It's a tool, not a crutch, and you should be proud of what you're doing and especially proud of how you've been handling the last week.

Speaking of medication, after a multi-week fiasco and waiting to get my Rexulti filled it was eventually scrapped and swapped to Abilify which I should be getting Monday or Tuesday. I wonder, though, if I really need it. I'm on 40 mg of Prozac right now which is only half as high as it can go. Besides the dreams (and I think nightmares because I wake up covered in sweat every night but I don't remember them) I have no side effects. Maybe I should just have that upped instead of tossing in another medication? At this point though, I think I'll just give the Abilify a go and see what happens. If it doesn't work for whatever reason, we can drop it and up the Prozac.

I'm more stable than I've ever been because of the meds, despite how much I didn't want to, I let go of both of my deeply codependent relationships, I've been in therapy for over a year, I've been working out for over a year, I'm rock climbing now, I'm trying my best to make healthy friendships and rekindle lost ones. I'm grateful for all of these things. They all show progress. They all matter. They are all small building blocks to a fulfilling and healthy life, one little step at a time. It isn't about the sweeping changes. It's brick by brick, piece by piece where each one doesn't really seem to have that much of an impact until you wake up one day and look back and realize the difference it has all made. It's waking up in the morning and realizing a half hour in that you aren't miserable for no reason. What an odd but reassuring feeling that is.

I'm doing my best to be satisfied with my life on my own. I always thought that I didn't need other people, but I realize now I've always felt that need. I tricked myself into thinking I could be happy alone and that I didn't need anyone. That I wanted them. But my codependency isn't a want, it's a need. I need her and it's so unhealthy. I know I don't actually need her, but god do I need her. And that is reason enough to let her go.

Imagine how wonderful life could be if I can learn to be on my own. If I choose to be on my own and find fulfillment. Find peace. Find my true self free from the shackles of childhood and codependency. And then imagine how much better life could be when I choose to be with someone because they make my life better and I make theirs better. When they enhance my life, not fill the void. Imagine how great that love could feel. I'd like to feel it one day.

Priyu's Dear Diary