Dear Diary,

It’s weird for me to finally be in this space .

happy to finally have some walls up or whatever that is surrounding me right now that makes it not hurt as bad anymore .

Some days are better than others, I still miss him so deeply after everything, for so long I have felt so weak to feel this way

It’s not that I am unable to know my worth , more that I don’t understand why or how he chooses not to see it, or can’t anymore.

To say I have trust issues now is a catastrophically under stated definition of what currently lingers , hinders and makes me stronger as I find new ways to face what this new scarred version of my soul looks like , how it reacts , how it leaves me surprised to feel certain emotions being trigger by things I never saw coming as one , yet this will not define me . It may rule me now , but only as much as I let it , and the boundaries within myself are rising from the rebel a bit each day .

Realizing how far I have come is hard to do , until I think back of how much time has allowed even Incognizant healing to begin , remembering the great state of paranoia I once existed in and now , finally taking the awareness I needed from that and leaving the rest .

My true partner will perhaps cross my path one day , and bc of this perhaps I’ll be able to be a better one myself , if I have learned anything it is that what is yet to come , what is truly meant for me , will never be what I could ever imagine , picture or hold an expectation of,

the thought of this used to make me feel broken for the loss of what I thought my life would be , but now it provides me hope for what it is yet to become .

To trust anyone I don’t already trust I think is not going to be possible for a very long time and without feeling like I can trust anyone new the rest just seems like a waste of time to me , meeting someone new, I’m a romantic or intimate way right now

when I talk to someone new from an app the company of having an inbox seeming like a menu full of choices , bantering prospects , this helps me to feel less alone at the end of the day but the feeling I get is that everything they tell me is a lie . That it’s all just a game , I have needs too as a women and have no problem clearing the cobwebs with some fun 25 or older something, I’m not talking about those , it’s the ones who take the time to know me , the ones who tell me about themselves, that’s when I see clearly I’m just not ready yet and until that phase of jadedness fades a bit , i just prefering to be alone .

I realized the other day it’s been years since I even look men back in the eye when I cross their path . I am so used to being in my relationship for so many years , that ended abruptly , me being loyal all the while set in a muscle memory of just not even being open to that energy in ways I didn’t even know I was doing it

now it feels like something I have to learn how to do again , be open to that .

once I can do that and force myself out of this comfort zone, get back my intuition and learn to fully trust it again , trust myself again. Trust my choices,

Then maybe I’ll be willing to give some of my energy away to someone again

I think I’m still just trying to get it all back from the so many people I gave it to that didn’t deserve it or don’t Anymore and I am still figuring out how to stop giving it to the ones who deserve it the least but I’m learning to take that energy back more and more , I will take it all back . And then look out world , bc here I come bitches.

-new moon , who dis , coming one day soon to a healthy relationship near you. Lol

Halid's Dear Diary