Dear Diary,

I feel lost. It’s been 3 years and I still feel myself in that stagnant stage. He’s moved on I haven’t... he’s still with the same girl. Why am I still here laying in my bed suicidal?! I’m so upset with myself. He literally broke me. I feel used, worthless and ugly. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained so much weight from being depressed.

I blame myself for everything that happened, but I know I shouldn’t take all the weight for myself. They still laugh at me and my situation. They don’t know how much this is still affecting my mental health.

Today I went a 1,000 steps back after all the progress that I’ve made. I went on their social media. He does the things that he was suppose to do for me with her. He loves her and even set up a cute hotel room. He also seems to be so happy.... I want him to be happy but why’d you have to break me.

Truth is I hate him for breaking me and I hate her because I wish that was me. I’ve been so emotional closed off and haven’t let anyone in and I don’t plan on anytime soon. I don’t even go outside...I always lay in bed because I feel so broken. I still have so many suicidal thoughts, but I don’t wanna die.

I wanna be happy... 😔

I also don’t wanna put my family through that. I a lot of my days have been better than others but I always end up here in the same mindset. Today I felt like cutting but I didn’t.

I know I made so much progress, but it feels like I’ve made none at times.

Cloudz's Dear Diary