Dear A,

Hey it’s me again, I missed you. I really did. I want to say I’m sorry but I don’t really know why I’m sorry. For agreeing to end things with you or for not fighting enough. I’ve held on for far too long it hurts to see you not bothered. How consumed you are by your own tiny world. How you say we’re friends but continue to flirt. How you make me question what really is going on between us and then come back and tell me that’s how you are with all your friends. It makes me wonder, how gullible I must have been for you to see me as an option and speak to me as if nothing happened or changed. Like we’re meant to be lovers all along and now I should switch from friend to lover in a matter of days if not hours. How I need to learn to love you again after trying to detach myself and constantly remind myself to not fall for you again. Despite all that, despite it being a month, I still miss you. I still think about how warm your hugs feel. How they felt like home until they no longer did. How hearing your voice made me feel better. How much I yearn to hear you say hey once again or ask me what’s wrong. I miss you. I miss the man I knew in the beginning. The one whom I came back after the first date telling my friend I met a gentleman. Telling my sister what a nice guy you are. You still are a nice guy but I miss the man who cared about me. Who made me feel safe and protected. The man with whom I felt free of my responsibilities and burden of existing in this world. I miss you A but I will never want to get back together. We’re better off being away from one another to carry on with our lives. To not burden one another with what we want in a relationship or what we seek from one another. To give ourselves the opportunity to actually heal and grow. I miss you A. But I’ll never change a thing because I love you. I’ve always loved you and I will forever love you.

Elyse 's Dear Diary