An unsent message,

It's sad and painful to see a guy you fell in love with change overtime because of other women.

Is it bad that I know that im gonna shake, feel hurt, palpitate, and feel weak when I hear him talk about other girls but I'd still ask him to talk about them? Cuz I want answers.

He said she's cute, he said she may not be the one but she wants her to be an option for him, and he says that they chat everyday. Because unlike me she's not too needy, unlike me she doesn't spam messages, unlike me.

The things I wanna tell him is that I only appear needy to him because he doesn't like me anymore. I spam messages cuz I enjoy talking to him a lot and I get excited to talk about my day and all the things that happened. He's the first person I think of when sharing small to big things.

I wanna send him those, I wanna explain why I'm like that. But what's the point? It doesn't matter. He doesn't care. I tried it a lot of times. I kept explaining. When will I get tired of it? Why can't I just listen to myself?

I AM TIRED and I wish I could just switch these feelings off. I wish I could just look and treat him like how I look and treat any other guys. Not rude or anything, but I don't wanna feel anything. Just friendly and not clingy. Just happy to talk to him, but not hurt and overthink when he goes away. I want peace. I want this thing thats going on inside me away or controlled. I wanna function well, I wanna do a lot of things, I don't wanna compare my chapter one to someone else's chapter 12. I don't wanna compare myself to a girl whom i don't even know. I hate all this scenarios that goes in my head. I wanna rest.

Jethro's Dear Diary