Dear Diary,

It's hard to explain to people why I have the trust issues that I have.

Even understanding it myself is difficult sometimes because I don't realize everything that made me this way but in time later I realize something and think "this probably contributed to my trust issues" as well as new things that happen that make them worse.

There are several people I've trusted over time, I thought I knew them, I thought they were honest about who they were and it was only after I had rid them of my personal bubble did I realize how dumb it was for me to be that close to them... not always afterwards though because sometimes I found out in the moment I couldn't trust hem anymore.

These people over time left or got kicked out of my life, or to atleast a distance away to where we weren't really close anymore and its like they were a whole new person in my eyes. The things they talk about, the things I never knew about them, the relationships they had with people I never even knew about even as close as we were and as well as the history that went on between them, the way they talk about you to other people when you arent looking, etc...

Its easy to be so blinded by the image they put on show for you to see, You'd never suspect things about them that you would from anybody else because they're just too good for that right, too nice, too perfect, too genuinely selfless? Nope... thats just what you think. Even when signs do show that something isn't right you just brush it off your shoulder because theres no way that what you are presumably overthinking is true.

2

The term "over thinker" is often a bad term the way its used, people refer to it as something someone with a damaged mind goes through after emotional trauma. However in reality it can be both a curse and a super power. I as an over thinker am quite observant and very perceptive. After the things I've gone through in life both in my family and with other relationships I have subconsciously trained myself to be aware of everything in every situation to my best ability so I can make the best choices given that anything comes up. In a conversation I notice the smallest details, immediately question what it means, within a fraction of a second- run through dozens of different possibilities and use process of elimation to determine which one is the most likely, practical, and or true.

So... while in a relationship I essentially analyze everything said to me,

why it was said, what it means, what else it could mean, and plan to see if the statement follows through in the future. I do it like a 6th sense, a primal instict, and like an addictive habit and because of this I often find it fascinating to basically study a person after they have no obligation to pretend to be who you thought they were anymore and because I had been being my overthinking and perceptive self the whole time, its almost satisfying so see my prediction/insight be true even if it could be a rough topic given what it is about.

Its a "I knew it!" type of feeling."

I'll use Lois (my most recent ex) as an example:

So over that relationship some of the biggest problems regarding her loyalty was:

1. guys she talked to often didn't know she was in a relationship (with me). So they talked to her as if she was fair game and she let it happen and even provoked it.

2. people said she has a flirty personality (I agree)- which that in itself is already unloyal as fuck if you can't keep the ~flirty~ only to your significant other in which she didn't. The real kicker to this is that people assumed she was into them (in which she may have been... I wouldn't know). How flirty and unloyal do you have to be for someone to say you're giving "mixed signals", that you liked them, or assuming that you wanted to "fuck" them (which did happen) specifically while you're in a relationship.

3. For the last option of many to choose from: She wasn't loyal in respecting her parteners feelings about pretty much anything and if she did do something to "respect" them, she was real petty about it like she didn't even want to and ranted to others like she was forced into it. Her justification for that was pretty much saying "just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I won't continue doing what I want"~literal quote. She once asked me how she's a walking red flag in while denial... like how do you say something like that and then be like "how am I a red flag". I guess it hadn't occured to her that she can't live like a single person when she's not single.

If you wanna go flirt with other people, if you wanna be besties with your ex, if you wanna let guys tell you about how they wanna date, fuck, cuddle with you, etc... then you can stay single till you grow up from the deperate attention seeking person that you are.

Anyways...

Given all this... I had come up with a few predictions I expected to happen after we broke up. My prediction was the she'll revert back to everything she was doing before.

All I had asked from her at the time was consistent loyalty and to stop associating with the guy she cheated on me with because they were literally together all the time even while she said she ended things with him and nothing more was going on.

She failed both of these and lied about it to my face.

There was a long span of time when she was saying she doesn't talk to him anymore, that they aren't friends and she doesn't text or hang out with him anymore. All of these things were lies. She sat at his lunch table, she hung out with him in the class(es) they had to together, and continued texting but started giving excuses like "I don't wanna be mean (which is insta deal breaker)", "he was upset", "he was crying", "he said it was an emergency", etc... Girls like this literally will lie and use every excuse possible to continue doing what they know they shouldn't be doing and it shows the complete and blatant lack of dedication they have to a relationship.

Anyways... I don't think they ever stopped talking but after we split completely it wasn't long at all before I saw her and him openly talking, hanging out, and being "friends" again. So that first prediction came true.

For the second prediction:

She talked to a lot of guys on social media, most if not all of them had no idea of my existence and even though she had told a group chat about me... she later lied and told them she broke up with me and described me (her bf) as someone else... the other person she was cheating on me with.Every single conversation I scrolled though had absolutely no evidence of showing that I was in her life and anytime that I was mentioned it was only when she was saying that we broke up (even though we didn't), I made quite a lot of complaints about this to her and of course she never followed through with my wishes to make my presence in her life known and to fix all the bullshit lies she told them about me to get sympathy from other guys.

So to the point... My second prediction is that she would revert back to all that.

To nobodys surprise... I was correct. I know she's back at it. Though I don't see how she could do it on snap unless she uses Mac's phone but I know she does it on tumblr and instagram because for 1: Tumblr shows when shes online which is pretty much 24/7 and she ain't talking to me so obviously she's talking to someone who is probably Mac given that they're buddy buddy again and in classes she's on it clearly texting someone and hides the laptop away from any curious eyes. I know she's on instagram because she oddly sent a follow request to me (which I denied) so that made it known she's on that as well which is where a lot of the bad conversations she was having with people took place.

For my third and final prediction I will state:

She would not listen to a word I said about staying single for a good while, maturing, and fixing the things with herself that are reasonably considered red flags.

Since I'm writing this she obviously didn't listen to it and I know this because she and someone named Nate developed a crush on each other and she wanted to go out with him but he rejected her for someone else. I also believe her and Mac were probably doing more or at least talking more than friendly so theres that as well.

3

Lois is one of the biggest reasons I analyze, overthink, and run through every possibiliy in my head about everything that is said to me and knowing her in a different way outside of a romantic relationship has shown me all that thinking and over analyzing was justified because it was all true. Everything I brushed off was true, every thing I gave her the doubt on and tried to believe wasn't true apparently was true. Using her as an example again- I just see her from a different perspective now, she's not who I thought I knew, I see things I didn't see before and its now as if she's being who she really is instead of a fake because someone (aka me) is watching her. Everyone has their own specific trigger of this, parents, friends, ex's, co-workers etc...

Cause and effect:
Cause- U were betrayed over and over or maybe just even once.

Effect- Cursed with overthinking.

I'm both grateful and annoyed by this constant analyzation,

It'll help protect me from future occurances but at the same time it'll take a toll on my significant other if I speak about it. How can they feel like I trust them if I said all the things I thought? Though at the moment I am interested in someone and I trust her pretty deeply, I surprisingly don't really overthink her loyalty but just our future I suppose. Life is complicated and since I'm an adult now things are gonna change and I got lots to be responsible for so I suppose having someone in my life makes me think more about those types of things instead of loyalty issues because they haven't given me reason to worry otherwise.

Virgosbelike 's Dear Diary