Dear Diary,

how can I confront my life? I have been told to share it, to find a support community, to talk about it... however I am not comfortable with my life...ha ha. The past is full of things I still try to understand, and question all the time. Did I have a choice, did I make the right choices... I blame myself but head shrinkers tell me I have nothing to blame myself for. But I don't believe that. Anger and rage that comes and goes. I avoid people at times, but don't want to avoid them. I avoid my feelings and just try to be me, the me that I tried to protect deep down from everything, the me that I show my friends. What shred of me I have left and hold onto. I guess that's why I'm so picky about who I call friend. I want to protect them and myself so much...

Secrets I feel can destroy people from the inside out...I tell my husband everything but I know it's between us, and I fear that him not telling other people could eat him from the inside out too. I tried to talk to therapists but with the VA, I never had the same one more then 3 times in a row...they either couldn't fit me in their schedule, or some even said they couldn't handle me. I know my parents would treat me different, and could never talk to them. Hugs. I really appreciate you letting me babble. And thank you for being a listener.

Charan's Dear Diary