Dear Diary,

When I was around 7, I think I accidentally spilled my food in my bag. My mom found out about it and threw my food container on the floor and she made me pick up the rice one by one.

When I was 8-9, I left food in my bag for several days, one of it was boiled egg so the bag started smelling after a few days. I don't know why I didn't take it out. I think I forgot or I was afraid that she'll get mad if she finds out? She made me walk back home while driving her car next to me. School was 30 minutes from home, still a weird punishment. She only punish me when dad's not around. I resented her for that because of how pretentious she was in front of my dad.

She used to make fun of me for eating more than 2 meals a day. Another weird habit of hers. I end up developing ED for 2 years.

She would tell me things to make me insecure like my voice is annoying and no one likes me. I believed in her and became closed off.

She'll vent her feelings to me constantly. But if I get angry one time, then somehow I'm the problem or I don't appreciate her enough. Her source of unhappiness was her marriage with my dad, but instead of getting mad at the person who caused it she directed them to me.

Well, that's just a part of it. These memories came to mind just now. All I can say is, it's very hard to like her.

I heard this in a video this week, "Your pain and trauma isn't your fault but it is your problem". I'm still trying to process that because yes, people have been horrible. But I also know I can't let my past define me.

Dinkster's Dear Diary