Sunday, 24^th January 2016

Dearest Friend,

Today another birthday of mine has passed, so I am now twenty-two years of age!

It’s funny, then, that I feel myself to be much older than my physical age; all these experiences and challenges have brought me to confront many brutal realities in my surroundings.

Even still, if one wishes to further on in their lives and seek positive changes then the only possible route to thrive on is with positive thinking as our tools to cope.

This can’t be accomplished if we moan about things all day long and stick within negative patterns, from subconscious avoidance.

I feel the only way to surpass and overcome pessimism is replacing those unrealistic notions with thoughts and hope of much greater value; ones that are achievable, manageable and above all in our ability to change or improve about ourselves – not actions or responsibilities from outside of our own decision-making!

Ha, I know what you must be thinking.
“But, Jason, is this advice really coming from you…from you, that so often acknowledges the pain, hurt and disappointment people cause you, and continue to bring…? Why the change of view?”
And I tell you here, this is coming from me.

Just as I’m sure you’ve often concluded, I won’t rise up along with life’s changes if I choose to remain bitter…
I mean, yes, I’ll keep my distance (emotionally) from people who cause me to feel miserable and worthless about myself – but what with starting out in life very much on my own from family, I haven’t the luxury to bury myself in self-pity just yet.

In order to financially survive, I need to appear as though I’m consistent with attending my Media Course and up to scratch in the work that’s involved, so that TUSLA, my Aftercare team, continue to support me in supplying me monthly rent into my bank account…

It can feel like a drag at times, especially when I experience occasions when I’d much prefer to tune out and escape into further relaxation, so that my body can rest and process all that is happening to me; both in my physical existence and emotional states.

How wonderful it would be if we could all savour this advantage, but in truth I know without disciplining myself I won’t rise to the challenge if I choose to give in so quickly…

I must keep going, I tell myself again and again.

This is why it’s important we humans set goals for ourselves, so that with the might and willpower on our sides can achieve our end-results; so long as we trust that the universe is on our side and not our enemy!

But to come back to the present day, and not losing ourselves in idealistic motivation, when I returned to Galway after that mad weekend with Mum, I received a phone-call from Granny M when I got off the train.

“Hi, Jason… How was the concert with your mother?” She lightly asked.

I found it difficult to imagine Mum hadn’t made any form of mention of the disaster herself, so I told Gran to come clean and stop being all peachy to get news out of me. But according to herself, Gran hadn’t heard anything of the sort – and from the concern in her tone I guessed she couldn’t have been lying.

“Jesus, Jason. Why would I lie? Lisa hasn’t told me anything. What happened?”

“Ah, nothing that should have surprised me,” I bitterly hinted. “Never again will I go out of my way to be so nice after being treated like that…”

Then Gran really demanded to know what the story was. “You know your mother, she doesn’t tell me anything…
Did she not go to the concert or what?”

“Oh, she went to the concert alright…thirty minutes before it ended. And she didn’t care, Gran.
Mum didn’t care for the efforts I put in to making it happen. She didn’t even apologize.”

“That’s terrible…and you paid for everything and all!”

“Yeah… But that’s not the worst part. She turned up tipsy and high as a kite, and before the night was over (actually long into the early hours of the morning!) Mum accused me of things in the past I wasn’t accountable for, and last said I insulted you, as her mother, and was disrespectful about not buying you that camera…
I’m sorry if I was, Gran, but I was only trying to get my point across!”

“Ah, Jason, will ya stop! I know you meant well, but we just got onto the wrong foot…
Lisa shouldn’t be guilt-tripping you for that. Don’t pass any heed of her, Jay. She’s just protective.
But if she was, as you said, drunk and high, don’t let it get to you! Don’t you worry; when your mother returns to Sligo I will have words with her about all this… Apart from that, are you doing okay?”

“I’ll manage. And thanks, Gran, I appreciate it…
Gotta go now, talk soon. Bye.”

That was more or less how my conversation toned out with Gran, and in one sense I’m glad she called because it provided clarity; Gran really was on my side here, and wasn’t equally showing a high level of offense as Mum did.

Returning to my place in Galway and receiving warm but rational reassurance from Philo also helped me cope with the conflict that was had between Mum and me.

Philo’s perspective on the whole affair is as close to my later realization; what with all the circumstances and emotional turmoil, of course battles over “control” of the particular situation was going to boil down to bursting confessions – both having expectations on the other on either side and attitudes bound to have offended the other over ultimate STUBBORNNESS on either part…

I admit, as the sober one in the situation, I should have handled things better and kept my bitter (or assuming?) tongue to a minimum.

Should have –would have – it’s too late and also pointless at this stage to ponder with regret.

But to tell you the truth, between you and me, I’m not so sure I do regret having had that dispute with Mum…

It’s certainly taught each other a valuable insight in where the other person stands and, more importantly, feels about everything that is happening to us as a crushing family circle.

I guess I should conclude that there is certainly lots to take away with me, knowledge based, and perhaps it was necessary for both Mum and me to offload as we did – instead of dreading along with our hurting thoughts in silence. That, I know, can be dangerous for a person psychologically, so that’s enough said on the matter!

Even already, I feel better for having written my thoughts on paper – they were so lost in the fog before – and now reflecting and thinking with perspective has directed me with a healthier and rational mental navigation.

I’ve found my feet yet again, and feel confident to follow my footsteps, with whatever advantages or consequences it may bring me!

Yours always,

Jay.

Cassie's Dear Diary