Dear Diary,

this is old but i needed to share it with you.

05.07.2020

Voli, I’m breaking.

You’re the only one. The only one who knows my thoughts.

I’m in pain. Pain that I do not feel. It’s crawling behind me. Waiting for a time when I’m alone. So it can catch me. Erase me. Erase me in a way that I feel something. It erases me but it makes me feel alive. I wonder if I ever feel love towards another person. I wonder if I ever deeply care for someone. Like you care for your girlfriend. It seems cute but so so so unrealistic.

They talk behind my back. You were right Veer. They are snakes waiting for anyone to do a mistake, something they do not like or support. They talk quiet but at the same time as loud as they could. They scream in secret. I respect jan so much because he doesn’t talk bad behind the backs of the ones he loved. He is a keeper. A keeper of secret he got told in private. Not many people are like that. Neither am I. I am a snake. Its sad. I need to change that. I need to improve as a human. I can be better than these people. I can be like Jan.

I thought so highly of you, kat. I thought you were different. I thought you knew better but you are only a kid as well. You try to be cool. Its sad but its the reality.

The boy who is so innocent. He tried to run away from his parents, his home, his life. He wants someone he can carry. Hes lovely.

Sie ändern sich alle um mir herum. Ich hasse es.

Jaystate's Dear Diary