Dear Diary,

It seems like you are the only one who i can go to now and tell what i am feeling, no one else can really understand. Actually now i am realizing it even more that at most we can only try to understand other people, but the magnitude of what we can understand another person is really very tiny compared to what he/she feels.

We don't really understand other much.

Anyway, i still want to tell you, what i feel.

I feel somewhat low, i am not totally sad because i know why i am feeling low. It's my desires, and buddha said it, desire is source of suffering and i am aware and i am not letting it become my suffering. But i am feeling little low, throughout the day for last 3 days. There is this little thing in me, i keep supressing it and keep winning over it. But it's still there. The desire is still there and feeling of unfullfillment is there too, It also tries to pull me into worrying, but i am not letting it. I am not thinking of future, just trying to live in the moment.

It doesn't change my condition, and the physical reality.

I saw vamp's post, she had a baby and it was a picture she posted, with 3 hands in it. Her,His and their daughter. And she wrote beautiful captions with a beautiful background music.

And this is the desire. I too want that, i too want love in my life, a partner in things, i crave that togetherness and a someone i can call home forever.

I am aware that we have idealized love a lot. I am aware that it won't be all that glittery and there'll be bad things too. I feel i am more ready to accept those bad things as well now. But i crave for the good things too.

Months goes by and every single time i land at exactly the same place, Still missing her. Still hoping things would work b/w us. I have seen how terrible we became and i know i thought that this would never work. But i have also seen both of us change.

Sometimes i feel if this ambiguity is actually part of those bad things too and i must accept this and keep my faith in a destiny of us together. And sometimes i feel like i am not letting destiny drive me to where it can take me.

But beyond both these, lies one idea, the moment is all i have, no past, no future (or maybe everything, the past, the future and the present are all infinite and in this moment i carry all of them together, the time is not linear as it seems). With this idea, i am free to do whatever i want, whatever i am capable of. I can chose anything, either to wait for her or to move on, i'll be always right, nothing is wrong. And there is nothing to worry too, it's ok even if i waited for her forever and remained alone, i still breathed and lived and i must did something with the time and that's all there is of life.

But if only i could live only in the moment, if only i could stop thinking about future. I manage to do it at times, but i feel worries are lying just underneath the rug and keep peeking occasionally, waiting for their time to come up.

Ok, enough of my bullshit 😀. To sum it up, I miss her!!!

Goodnight

--panda--

❤️

Diary_grl's Dear Diary