Dear Diary, this will be the journal entry where I go in more detail about what I think about most dating advice. That might be pretty boring. So before that I will share what I've been up to. I've mostly been trying to write the paper I've already talked about. Didn't make much progress, but with most papers I do most of the work in the last few days. Until I write a bit inbetween procrastinating 😅

At least I have been procrastinating with something useful: Learning Japanese. In the last week I've learned all Hiragana, about 80 Kanji and now I'm learning Katakana. It's a lot of characters, but also fun, because I like coming up with all kinds of visual reminders of the meaning. It's also fun to try and figure out the meaning of stuff written in japanese websites.

Oh and on Thursday I met with Belle. We ate Ramen (which was delicious), but then we got into an argument. We were talking about differences between europeans and asians, like that their sweat often doesn't smell. And then she says that races might do exist after all. To which I reply that they don't exist, trying to explain that races just exist in bred animals and picking some regional similarities doesn't mean races exist and that the word is historically very burdened with bad ideology. But she insisted that it is logical and accused me of being dismissive and being on a moral highhorse.

I had to read her the wikipedia explanation of the word race and then she admitted I was right. But she was still mad at her. We talked about what happened and I asked what I could have done better, since she obviously didn't like my reaction to her question. And I also said that some of her opinions sound kinda right wing to me. That angered her more and she said that she just likes to philosophize about such topics.

I believe her, but she is always on the right side of these discussions. She has defended Trump and a German Afd politician. She said that homosexuality is a disorder like pedophilia. She is against abortion and has often said that Corona might be a conspiracy. Another friend of hers has broken off contact to her, because of similar discussions with her, so I'm not the only one.

Now she knows nothing about Trump, except his Instagram and she doesn't follow politics either. She doesn't even know most of out past chancelors. Do she is just uninformed on these topics. But I can still tell her that her positions are right wing, right?

Well she said she is annoyed by me now and wrote me amgry texts a few hours after we said goodbye. We argued again and it seemed like she was very offended again. I offered to talk over the phone but she refused. But then after an hour she sent me christmas songs and happy emojis. It was so confusing.

The next day she was angry again but also wanted to meet me. I said that I had to work on my paper. Today she asked again. But I said no again. She has extreme mood swings sometimes. Is she Bipolar after all?

Well I wanted to talk about Dating Advice so lets start.

A lot of these come from online articles I'm reading about how to be more attractive to girls or how to find a girlfriend. I've been reading these for years and by now I think I read every possible advice. So today I want to talk about some of them and the problems I have with them. Just to be clear, I don't hold any grudge against people with these opinions. Everybody is different and I do believe that these articles have probably helped some people.

So the basic ones like hygiene, loosing weight and doing sports to gain a better "feel for your body" (a weird term that is often used) are pretty fair game I feel. Of course you don't want to smell bad or be unhealthy and women probably do like more muscular bodies to some extent.

However this doesn't get you beyond being theoretically dateable. At one point I was pretty obsessed with improving these things about myself. And I actually gained some muscle which was nice. But (after asking them) my female friends at the time still said that I was somewhat above average attractive. Literally nothing changed, even though I tried to dress better, eat better, do more sports, everything. It was super disapointing. So sure if you are super lacking in these aspects then you should do something about it. But for the average man it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Which makes sense, since women don't seem to care as much about looks. I actually wish they did.

Oh and I'm 1,91 m (6'3) btw. Height is a big issue for a lot of guys. I never had to worry about it, but I also can't say that it helped me.

Having female friends to get to know women more as regular human beings also falls into this category. During my most awkward teenage years I WAS guilty of that in that I had girls I liked on a pedastal and couldn't properly talk to them. In my 20s now I've had plenty of female friends, more than male ones actually. And again it didn't help me.

Somewhat related to those basic things is the "just focus on yourself" advice. This line of thinking often says that you are supposed to be constantly improving all kinds of aspects of yourself, without thinking about what women like or don't like. Often times this is paired with another popular advice that says "You shouldn't care about finding a relationship and then it will find you"

The nice aspect of this is that, if you follow it, you can kind of let go of the worries of never finding anyone. But other than that I find this to be very fuzzy and idealistic. This basically means you have to follow some lofty path to selfimprovement before you are worthy of love and it shames you for caring about something as basic as human touch and closeness. This stuff IS important to humans and as a heterosexual guy your only source of intimacy is a girlfriend. I have never cuddled with anyone since I was a child.

What kind of improvement are those anyway? Learning languages, being an artist or other intellectual ones? Materialistic things like a job or wealth? Just small selfimprovements of your character? Sure all of these can help and might be impressive to women, but it's so undefined. How is somebody who is lonely supposed to be satisfied with some very nebulous promises after some uncertain measures of improvement?

Additionaly it is NOT easy to just not care when you never had anyone. After a certain while you just have to focus on it in my experience. For me it was with 23. Before then I actually didn't care that much. Of course I tried from time to time, but I was pretty happy with just myself. And I improved in that time too, focusing on my academics. But obviously it didn't help. And yeah I am someone with very solitary hobbys, that was probably a big issue. But if I'm not supposed to care I should just be myself right? For me that means watching anime, gaming reading comics and so on. So thats why that thinking doesn't help me. Someone like me is not getting any exposure just doing what he likes best. Thats why I NEED to try.

Ok, so doing all kinds of activities is the way to go right? Well, probably. But again I'm blocking myself from being succesful there. I don't enjoy very social activities much, sad but it's the truth. On these occasions I usually just stick with one or two people I know and trust. If there is nobody like that there I'm going to have a terrible time. I can interact with people I don't know well, but it's work for me and not enjoyable. Only if I see that certain spark in them, after a while I can let them in a bit and they turn into friends.

Having girls as friends does probably help in some ways, as I said before. But they will never turn into girlfriends. Not saying that it's impossible, just that it is very unlikely. If you have read anything I wrote here, you know that I am notorious for crushing on girls I call friends. I just need that time to get to know them. Even with my school crush it took several months of being in the same class with them. The problem is that this doesn't seem to be how it is supposed to work. With girls you either have to establish romantic interest very soon, or you will just be their friend. There are exceptions, but that is what I have read from most girls online. This is probably why flirting is a thing. Otherwise you could just transition from friends to partners. (That would be so much easier in my opinion)

And that is where the crux lies. Flirting.

I have no idea how to do it, when I tried it I felt miserable and everything I see about it makes me hate it even more.

People who oppose these dating tactics as well often tell you that you should just be nice to girls. That would be nice indeed, but what will happen is the friend thing again. What is worse is when ypu ecpect girls to have romantic interest in you based on you being nice, you run into a trap called entitlement. Being nice is baseline decency, not something that will make people fawning over you.

But to be honest I quite like the idea that it COULD work. That would be the dream. I think men like this idea so much, because it goes against whqt is normally expected from us. No flirting or being super successful, just a girl who likes you they way you are. Even though you are just a conpletely average guy who is nice. That is why the "manic pixie dream girl" trope is so common in movies. The thought that there is this special girl who still likes a completely normal guy and wants to spend time with him, is so appealing to me. In romance movies aimed at women the lead men is always either rich or extremely good looking. That works great for women, but as a man I just can't see myself in those guys. It would be great, if there were more romance movies aimed at men.

Ok but we have to talk about the elephant in the room: cOnFidENce

Sorry, but I have grown to hate that word. Confidence in itself is nothing bad, good even. It just means that you are comfortable with yourself and have a positive outlook in what you are doing. But when it is used in context with dating, especially for men, then it is a toxic word.

Have you ever failed at something for a long time, over and over and over? What if someone told you that you just need confidence and it will work. Great news! Just change your feelings to confidemt and it will work. It still didn't work? Well just stay confident and it will work. Also you have to act a certain way to be confident. Just be very extroverted that will do the trick. Still no luck. Then just get MORE confident!!!

Do you see the problem here? First, confidence is something that comes from experience. It is something you gain when you were previously successfull. If you have repeatedly failed at somethimg it would be unnatural to be confident. The more natural reaction would be to show distress, so that people will help you succeed once or twice, show you the way so to speak. Then you can be confident on your own. If these people just tell you to be confident it is just unhelpful, because you still lack a basis for your confidence.

That is exaxtly what is happening in Dating. People will tell you to just be confident in your abilities to have dates, even though no girl has ever shown any clear interest in you. When you hear from girls that it is this magic aura of confindence that is so attractive to them, it is so disheartening. Because you know that you can't just magically develop this by yourself.

Then there is the fact that certain behaviour is seen as more confident. If you talk a lot and are very open to a large groups of people you barely know, that is confident. But even if I feel confident in a situation, like in a uni class I am NEVER this way. I can sit confidently in a corner and say nothing. And that is because I am an introvert. Some people have even thought me to be mildly autistic or have asperger, my mom included. I don't believe that is the case, but if it was it would be even more hindering to show this "confident" behaviour.

Some people have suggested to find other sources of confidence to achive this aura girls love so much. For example I have read accounts of girls liking it when a guy nerds out and being confident in his hobbies. I do like this idea. The problem is see with it is that the girl still won't show the interest she develops, because she is likely sticking to her passive genderrole. Also in order to be witnessed nerding out you have to be in a pretty friendly environment as an introvert. I can see this working well for extroverted nerds (I know a bunch, who allseem to have a much easier time dating), but it very unlikely to lead to anything for someone like me.

What about a dating coach? Well they are rare, but I could probably find one. Maybe they could teach me their mysterious ways. To be honest though I can't really see it. Maybe by now you can see how different my needs and wants are from most other people in dating. I just want to be able to get to know a girl for a while and then having us both express interest in each other naturally. I just can't see myself being this super active guy who entices her to fall for him. To me she is either interested after a while of me being normal or she doesn't and then I won't try to change that.

This "fake confidence" behaviour is a lso exactly what people don't like about men. This overconfident invasion of peoples personal space, becaus they are SO confident that people will like it. But when it comes to Dating that is what everyone tells men to be like. This just makes lonely guys run into the arms of pick up artists, alpha men and the like who will tell you how to show that "confidence". Extremely toxic people who teach toxic behaviour. So can we please stop pushing this confidence narrative for men?

Everything about dating is working against giving guys like me real confidence. Online Dating where we get no likes and real life women who never show any interest in us. I have never seen any evidence of interest of a woman in a man in real life. I've seen people in relationships of course but not how thesr actually happen. Women seem to just not care about men. The only place where they talk about their interest is online. Without the interest I would have no idea that women are actually interested in sex. Our sex ed just talked about contraception (which I never had the chance to use yet) and in most media there just is no sexuality that the woman actually persues. It's just men basically making women having sex with them. Do you see how bad this is for our gender roles? Less aggressive men like me seem to have no place in our society. Why aren't women fighting more for being in the active role? That would be so awesome and give men like me actual confidence.

But I don't see that happening anytime soon. Girls just don't do that. They never show guys they like any hints, outside of these very elusive ones I talked about in another entry. Amd when I show my interest I will just be rejected again making my confidence even worse and myself more unattractive. I will probably never have a girlfriend or sex or a family.

Maybe I will talk about my dreams converning a girlfriend another times. Because the girls in my thoughts are the only ones ever showing me any love, sadly.

Well this was super long, super cool of you made it to the end!

Have a nice day

Treehouse's Dear Diary