Dear Diary,

I never know if shes shallow enough or too mature to not understand where im coming from most of the time. I dont know if she sees how much im trying to be a better person than anyone, i dont know if she can feel im struggling, i just dont know. Ive stopped trying to have her understand me for such a long time now.

I dont mean to be harsh on her, but it just pains me how much she never learns. I have found her struggling on the same problem for years, but shes not doing anything about it, tolerating that shit for like a decade now. Told her exactly what she should do for a million times and she glares at me all the time, saying its easy to say but hard to do. Until when is she going to sit there and do nothing? Is the chaos already too familliar to her thats why shes relying on me to be the one to initiate some changes in my life so that i can have her with me?

What do you call a person when its okay to them to be taken advantage of. When theyre stuck in that situation and never fight, never stand their ground, is it because theyre weak or theyre just too good of a person to have enemies? Is it because of the people-pleasing tendencies that allow them to be so empathetic that its alright with them to suffer for the sake of others, I dont get it. When something is too painful we can take back control and leave the situation. Maybe not immediately, but at least, in a few years. Knowing that youre self-sufficient, and have a life of your own, there are things you can control, such as choosing to stay or to leave a miserable situation.

Why is my mom choosing to stay always? Why? Its sickening as the cycle goes on and on for decades more, being here is sickening. She acts like the provider and protector and the martyr but its sickening. Nothings growing in this place anymore. All im wanting when i save up is to leave everything here.

M's Dear Diary