Dear Diary,

I almost drowned myself 2 days ago, I had the letters and note of explanation ready, playing my favourite songs on repeat telling myself I'd do it at the end of the playlist.

I'd told (going to call him X for privacy) X about wanting to kill myself and he tried explaining that I'd be missed and that he cared so much about me and how life wouldn't be the same. I put my head under the water but couldn't bring myself to hold it there - during this X was messaging asking if I was okay; I didn't reply because of the shock, so he told my cousin (B) and B started calling and messaging me, but playing it off as if he didn't know.

I didn't reply to either of them until the night after, X said he had told B because he was scared I'd done it. I guess I'm glad I didn't commit suicide, but it wasn't a life changing experience like everyone says it is. It's kind of like the feeling of coming down from a high or addrenalin and feeling a bit 'oh, I'm doing this?'

So, killing myself is off the table for now, but since I tried it, I've started self-harming on my upper thigh - nothing too big, just small that will heal like paper cuts, hopefully.

Luna's Dear Diary