Hi baby,

I cried yesterday, so much. and I hate it😥.

You know I've been going to the morning tuition only because I wanted to score in my exams. I had this test yesterday for which I've been preparing for the last 14 days to be exact. I used to do well in my tuitions at surprise tests too.

But...

I flopped the test yesterday.

I don't know what took over me but I couldn't do the test well.

I was stuck at this one 5 mark sum, I couldn't even guess how to go forward. At first, I tried to solve it, I was just trying to bring forward everything I studied. But at one stage, I couldn't think more. My mind started filling me with other thoughts.

💢Why am I the only one soo dumb? I used to a bright student too. USED TO BE. not now.

But why? why can't I do best like I used to be? Am I really dumb or is this just bad luck?

or am I not worthy of this? why? why? why?

And the tears started brimming in my eyes.

The video was on, so somehow I tried to control them from falling. I said I completed the test and quit the classroom.

I sent my test to the teacher.

After about 5 mins, my tuition mam called me to ask about how I wrote?

And that's when I broke down.

I started crying and wailing and whimpering.

I couldn't control myself, I felt soo worthless.

I've never cried to anyone like that. People often asked me to cry, cause I never cry.

Not even when my dad passed away.

I was used to crying in dark, holding back from showing my weak side to others. Always being known as the strong girl.

But yesterday everything went downhill, I cried to someone I knew only for 14 days.

It's ironic. I never open up to new people. But seriously, why the hell did I cry to her?

WAS IT THE THOUGHT THAT SHE ISN'T GONNA AFFECT MY LIFE? THAT EVEN IF SHE KNOWS THAT DEEP INSIDE I'M A CRYBABY IT WON'T AFFECT ME MUCH OR THE TOO MUCH HELD BACK TEARS THAT NEEDED A RELEASE?

My thoughts started to make me hate myself.

Am I really a heartless one?

Do I not respect others' feelings?

Soo, like that I was in my room, locked and dark for about an hour or two.

But then my friend called me.

He is my bestie and when I took the call, it's not one but all my boys are there.

Well, my boys in the sense my best boyfriends. sorry, boy best friends.

So it happens to be they are together to celebrate one of the guy's birthdays.

And then we started talking, one after the another the talk went on for an hour.

I talked about anything and everything.

ABOUT HOW AND WHY I CRIED, ABOUT MY DOG, HOW I MISSED HAVING A HOT CHAI

AND HOW MUCH I MISSED THEM.

It's been at least 2 years since I said someone, I missed them.

When this quarantine, lockdown thing came, I shut myself to others.

I stopped calling my friends and I remember keeping the phone silent so that I wouldn't have to pick up any calls.

I feel bad when I think about that now.

Then the night was ok I think.

And I didn't say I cried or anything to my mom or bro.

But I'm sure my bro would have heard me crying from inside the room.

However, he didn't ask me anything.

I like that he respects me to open up, but at the same time, I wish he could console me too.

I'm just tough you know.

I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF, BUT I WON'T OPEN UP.

I WANT SOMEONE TO OPEN ME UP.

IT REALLY SUCKS BEING ME.💨

I slept early somehow which is actually 11:15 p.m😅

I slept in today morning as we had heavy rain🌧🌧🌧 early in the morning.

Tuition was canceled, so I slept till 10.

The true happiness was when I wake up, though we had a great chain of fights at home with mom. (both me and bro)

Our morning never goes without a fight!

SOOOO,

THE SURPRISE!!!!!

PERMISSION TO DANCE💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

💜BTS💜 released their song today morning and it was really good, I had to cry again

But happy tears. The song really gives a happy, sunny, cheerful summer vibe.

I was really happy.

And one of my friends said that they knew I was sad, so they gave me the song.

I know it's funny, but when u are really sad and something that could make you smile happens, you believe anything.

YOU start believing in the universe.

I know a lot of things happened in just a day, and I'm still alive.

I know it will be tougher the next day too.

But I want to go forward.

QUESTION: Mention one thing that made you cry happy tears.

Request: can someone say how I can correctly input an image with the text?

I really don't know-how.

Alexis_g's Dear Diary