Dear Diary,

Another 12 hour shift. You get use to them after a while. My jobs nothing glamorous. Just check the people coming on site and off. Building checks. Perimeter checks. Keeping a eye on the non employee people who attempt to wander the area.

Tonight's one of those nights. Standing outside watching the fireworks going off. It's somewhat peaceful. Serene?

I find myself lost in thought. A topic I almost always mull over. Heritage. Lineage. Life. People always had expectations of me. Expected great things of me. I always let them down.

Back after graduating high school I went out on my own. I used my time to hunt down my biological father. It wasn't hard. I was always good at finding things. I eventually tracked him down to a trailer park in a place called Ronan. I spent time with him and the chick he was dating...Married to? I don't know I didn't take the time to ask. I just wanted to know my father.

Of course...things never go as planned. I learned what I was able then one night when I was home alone there was a knock at the door. Someone I had never met before was at the door. We chatted. He said he was my uncle. My father's brother. Cool. More family I didn't know I had. He said he lived on the other side of the park and wanted to introduce me to more of the family. I went with. He had three daughters of varying age. The way they looked at me...I can still see their faces. They cried. Two couldn't even stay in the same room. Everything was quiet for a while as I sat there in their kitchen. Finally he spoke. " I know this will be hard to believe but I'm so happy I finally got to meet you. They are as well. " Before I could say anything he spoke again " please, don't mind them. Seeing their brother after so long was just too much " my mind went blank. It felt like I had been punched in the stomache. All I could say was " what? " He just kind of chuckled with this sad tone before speaking again " yeah. Kind of figured she wouldn't tell you. " He was quiet a while longer before sighing and speaking again " it's good to see you...son " I couldn't say anything. I just stayed quiet as he continued on " your mom and I had a drunken fling. We agreed to keep it secret but I had hoped she would tell you. " There wasn't anything I could say. The possibility of my life being a lie was...crushing. if he was telling the truth then it meant my family wasn't what I thought it was. Hell..the person I spent my life thinking was my only blood related sibling wasn't. After some silence he told me that it didn't matter if I believed him or not. he was still happy to see the man I had turned out to be. I never saw him again after that day. Wasn't until a year later that I learned he had passed away.

The only other person I could ask about it is in no condition. She doesn't even remember me. Her own son. There's no way she would remember my dad. The MS she had spread to her brain. She had a seizure and it damaged her mind. She's still the happy cartoon loving lady we knew but..she's gone beyond that. Whenever we show up she's always happy. Not because she remembers but because she has company and we make sure to spoil her while we can.

All I think about on father's day is that my real dad is gone and I'd never get the chance to be know him. Get to know the sisters I didn't know I had.

Maybe the military was right.aybe I am broken. Heh. Fun thoughts..

Anyway. More pictures. I'm going back to watching the fireworks a while longer...it's a beautiful night.

Vanessa Raine's Dear Diary