Dear Diary,

I've come to realize that there are inevitable tragedies that we have no choice but to go through in life. And I don't understand why no one ever thinks to give you a heads-up or a FYI just so you won't be blindsided or something. No one told me that my sweet little grandmother who was my heart, was going to have absolutely no idea who I was before she died im may 2021. They definitely didn't tell me that my mother was never going to be able to handle the loss of her mother, she already a very fragile mental state and in less than 1 year, completely lost all will to live. Watching my mother literally grieve herself to death is the most excruciatingly heartbreaking thing to have to watch. And theres nothing you can do. You can't force someone to have a will to live if they don't. And the thing is, everyone's mother is going to die. Eventually. There is nothing that can change that. So I guess it's just my turn. Last night my mother was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Her sats were like 76-78 and her mouth was blue. Then while they were here picking her up she drops the bomb that she quit taking all of her medications 2 weeks ago and was just waiting to see what would happen. She is a severe unregulated, non-compliant diabetic, she quit checking her sugar and and taking her shots, she's on medicine for all kinds of stuff like depression, thyroid, fast heart rate, she was diagnosed 16 months ago with moderate to severe emphysema and has quit her inhalers and everything. She has to get iron infusions because she's no anemic. She canceled her appointment for the infusion like 3 weeks ago. And her nurse just told her that right now her hematocrit is 23. I know she's just trying to die because she's so miserable. But is it really fair that she's doing it this way? I'm being forced to watch it and I have this paralyzing fear every before I open her door because I don't know if she's going to be dead. I want my mom back. I don't want her to be this sad and hurting so bad all the time. I don't want this to be what i remember about her. This shit sucks so bad.

Rach's Dear Diary