I started reading "Us Reconnect with Your Partner and Build a Loving and Lasting Relationship" - somewhat a grandiose title. But immediately it gave me what I felt was a breakthrough moment.

The first were a number of quotes that I think are important:

- True liberation is freedom from our automatic response

- There is no redeeming value, whatsoever, in harshness

But then, it was the scientific understanding that neuroplasticity is possible and that "States Become Traits". How we see ourselves can change quickly and dramatically, and that profound change can happen in a matter of minutes with appropriate resource and support.

There was an ancedote of an individual who would say mean things when they were angry. The therapist asked him - "who taught you to be mean". It is discovered that it was his stepmother. Who then asks him - "And whats it like to see that?" and it creates a sense of shame, that he would be seen as he saw his stepmother.

But is was healthy guilt and healthy remorse. Allowing them to ask - if you had felt that, would you have said the things you said? To which the answer is a uniform "no". He says, next time you feel angry, look at a picture of your stepmother and ask yourself: "I know I am about to do harm, but right now being like you is more important than my wife is"

The science behind neuroplasticity also has to components: (i) the implicit must be made explicit - as you need help seeing what you don't see and (ii) You must have a sense of recoil - a sense of "I don't want to keep doing that"

The science indicates you have about half a day from that moment of recoil to build that new neural pathway.

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This moment is about awakening to us as opposed to you and me. One team. From a biological perspective its ensuring the pre-frontal cortex is connected allowing a pause between what you feel and what you do.

As I read this, there was a huge sense of recoil. If I asked myself who taught me some of these behaviours. I thought about all the anger in the house I grew up in, I thought of my mother hiding in the bedroom, I thought of being abandoned, I thought of the endless spiralling of my mother as she went through cancer. I thought of the shouts and screams and the hurt words.

And I asked myself the same question - "I know I am about to do harm, but repeating all the mistakes I grew up with, is more important than my partner". Its a sad statement, because I can feel the slight tear in my eye - because I know the answer is no. Because I'd choose them in all possible worlds.

Character is fundamentally changeable. That part of my self? Its now dead. That is my choice.

09192616111's Dear Diary