Dear Tariq,

Today I am on a holiday for Shivratri. Actually, I am not having any puja or fast. I have never done any puja or fasting. But I will be going to meet my friend S today so I applied for leave. I have so many leaves available as I rarely apply for leaves. At this point I can apply for 1.5 months straight. And leaves get added every month.

I used to have a thing for S, I was really attracted to him and wanted to get intimate with him. I had to control a lot those days, but when I actually thought that I will make a move, something stopped me. My mind was like make a move but my body didn't respond. Partly because it was just lust not love. I am over that though. Not attracted to him anymore.

My one big flaw is I hate doing household chores, except kitchen related stuff. I don't like organising stuffs, I don't like to clean. I can live in a really messy and unclean environment. But I don't want others to judge me, so occasionally I do the cleaning. I don't understand how most girls are so tidy. My motivation comes from others. If I didn't have a roommate, I won't even bother cooking. That's why I can't live alone. I can do stuff for others, but not for myself. And it's something I can't really change. That's just how I am. If I have a husband someday, I know I will keep my home clean. Why am I like that 🙁.

I need to lose more weight. I still look fat. I should start exercising. I have so many things to do. I shouldn't waste my time.

Tasks for today:

Exercise
Skin care routine
Clean room
Organize stuff

Bella 's Dear Diary