[ENTRY 94..✍️]

Thirteen days have passed since my last entry and not much has happened since then. Well, the main reason being, as imparted previously: my refusal for something to happen whilst I still had a personal conflict to deal with.

I was set on not seeing Erwin for some time but fading myself out until we completely lost the desire to communicate… that, however, I couldn't do. Perhaps because I have no one else. Nor can I meet someone new anymore for Bumble seemed to now have me firmly situated in a completely different region so far away from my city that it rendered me quite vexatious, which later prompted me to get rid of the godforsaken app. One of these days, I might install it again, and perhaps by then, the location accuracy is thoroughly fixed. Although, what I have with Erwin is somewhat preventing me from even thinking about doing so… Apparently, I'm a "girlfriend" to him. Hmm.. I don't really see him as a boyfriend yet but I figured if I were to become someone's "labeled" inamorata, a loyal and faithful lover I would be, so doing something that would taint the purity of my fidelity, thus, making me less desirable or trustworthy to the next person, is a betrayal to my principles I could not dare execute. But since I don't feel any sealed agreement with our relationship yet, I won't call it official until we talk it out in person, so really, I'm still considering myself within the liberty of flirting with other men. Not that I've had any desire to exhaust that remaining freedom since he called me his "girlfriend", but.. to think I'm not tightly tied to anyone yet is the kind of relief I still like to keep a little bit longer..

Anyway, the first excuse I've made upon my planned avoidance towards Erwin was: My little sister is sick so I can't leave her alone.

My sister truly was sick just two days before giving him this alibi, but the bitch healed so quickly so I kinda just borrowed a truth from the past and recycled it in the present.

The day after that, Saturday, we had a conversation where I was disclosing a dream I recently had, which turned out to be, in a degree, rather creepy; at the same time, curious: something that elicits wonderment and questions science cannot answer with accuracy, if one at all endeavours to find meaning behind it at the expense of over-analyzing.

Him: "I miss you already."

Me: "Me more. Let's play."

Him: "Play what?"

Me: "Basketball."

Him: "Hahaha. Now that's something new. I'd be the shooter 😂"

Me: "Damn, that's actually a good one 😂"

Him: "I know. So how do you want to play it? 😂"

Me: "Uhh… Well, clearly, I didn't think this through 😂 Idkkk, I just feel like going out."

Him: "That's a miracle. You, wanting to go out. Haha."

Me: "I actually just invited my friend to go bowling with me but she hasn't replied yet."

Him: "Maybe she's napping. I just had a nap myself as well."

Me: "Oooh!!! I just remembered."

Him: "What?"

Me: "I dreamt about your sisters."

Him: "I don't have any sisters. Haha."

Me: "But in the dream, you have 😂 Four in total. You brought me to your house and they were there. There were twins: one's a rebellious skater who's always out, and the other's an introverted smart type. Another is a politician. And the youngest has the same name as I am, who, by the way, I vibed with the most."

Him: "Hahaha. Is that so? Maybe they're going to be my children." (This response was misread by yours truly as: Maybe they're my children.)

Me: "I knew you were a married man!"

Him: "You really think that old of me? Hahaha."

Me: "Who knows what you're hiding, mister 😂"

Him: "Maybe they're going to be our children 😂"

Me: "Whaaa… Huhuhu. At least one son, none 😢"

Him: "For real. Haha."

Me: "Anyway, you never appeared in my dream."

Him: "Why?"

Me: "You were so evil. You went straight ahead to your room to sleep, leaving me downstairs because your house has a lot of levels. And your sisters never told me where your room was."

Him: "Aww.. Sounds like I have a huge house."

Me: "Yes, four floors. One for each of our daughters." (Realizing what I just typed, I immediately corrected myself.) "Of your sisters***"

Him: "Hahaha. You should've looked for me in each room."

Me: "Yeah, I should've.. Or maybe you should've never left me alone to face your family in the first place lmfaooo. I think I even met your father. He was so niceee."

Him: "Yah, he already passed away."

It was at that point I stopped knowing what to say. He had seldom mentioned his dad when we were together and never did I think the man is no longer in this world for he talked so casually of him like I would my sisters… It suddenly made me remember an absurd conversation I had with Layla when I slept over at her place. We were talking about the terrifying moment of having to meet your partner's parents for the first time and I had said—with an air of pure humour—the words: "I wish the guy I end up with has no parents." Though my expression possessed insincere wishful thinking, at the back of my head, even until now, a tiny hope is still slightly lit for that to be actually the case for me. It's a terrible thought but my fear and anxiety for that particular unnerving experience to unfold in my life can't seem to shake off that evil flame—fueled by my selfishness—for now and I don't want to lie and say it's not there because it is, no matter how little and deeply hidden.

Layla laughed and let out a half-amused, half-appalled: "Heyyy!"

"They don't necessarily have to be 'dead'. Just, you know.. The guy's an orphan," I said, then added: "And a loner."

Well, I suddenly feel bad for Erwin now and regret ever joking about absent parents.

Back to our conversation.

Him: "Yah, he already passed away."

Me: "Oh…"

Well, fuck. What do I say now...

Him: "But really, for real? What did he say?"

Me: "I forgot, but we were in the ocean. On a boat."

Him: "That's so suddenly far away, I thought we were just in the house."

Me: "The setting shifted. Haha."

Him: "What did he look like? Haha. Local or foreign?"

Me: "In his late 50's or early 60's… Local with an obvious Chinese ancestry, tanned, dark hair dominated by white."

Him: "Hmm. Kinda fits his description. But you've never seen him, right? Nor have I described him to you?"

Me: "Never… That's odd."

Him: "I wonder what that could mean…"

Me: "Well it got me thinking now.. A little creepy... But he was really friendly, good-natured and funny."

Him: "Yeah, he was friendly and kind. Suddenly visiting his son's girlfriend 😂"

Uhm… Okay. That was the SECOND time he had used that word in addressing me and to say it still caught me off guard is an understatement.

The first time it happened, I made no comment. I just laughed my ass off in capital letters because I knew not the proper way to react to it. You've read how weird it had been for me and one of the reasons is that, when he said it, it was as if I was suddenly somebody's property and it freaked me out... I've come to a reflection that the main reason I didn't want to talk about our relationship just yet is because I dreaded the response turning out to be an affirmation of "us" being exclusive, thus, completely severing my freedom to engage with other men. And I'm still hesitant to let go of that freedom despite my desire to experience a serious relationship now because I've had it with me since the day I was born and my attachment for it is enormous. So without a vis-à-vis discussion that stamps an official seal of our partnership, the door is still ajar for me to rebel. I won't have the confirmation of the loss of my precious gallivanting liberty be done on text. I don't even entertain men that much nor in that way anymore but just the thought of having that door closed for the very first time when it has always been opened all my life… It's somehow disorienting.

Overwhelming.

Slightly terrifying.

Me: "I'm already your girlfriend? HAHAHAHA 😂"

Him: "You're the closest thing. Hahaha."

Me: "You're tripping. We don't even know each other's real names yet. Hahahaha."

Him: "Really, not yet? Hehe. We've already known each other for a while. Weeks now."

That's a while for him? To me, "a while" is at least three months!

Me: "Nope, we don't even have each other's numbers. Hahaha."

Him: "Exchanging digits is still a thing now? Hahaha." *proceeds to send his phone number* "My name's Erwin, babe."

Erwin what? Erwin Kangaroo? He's not getting it. Grr. However, I didn't make any retorts about the incomplete name he just gave (which I've known since the first date) because then, I won't be obliged to tell him my full name as well, which, in all honesty, I'm completely fine with. I think it's even better. I have privacy issues so I'm always cautious about giving people my real name. So cautious that it even took like a year for me to tell my first love about it. Besides, truth be told, I already know Erwin's full name. Haha. Ssh... He—whether or not unintentional—showed it to me through a screenshot but I guess he didn't mind so far as to remember it. He has a nice last name, by the way. Foreign, and.. sounds lovely with my first…

Haha. What. A girl can experiment, non? 😂

Him: "Exchanging digits is still a thing now?"

Me: "Good point 😂 But the fact that it's no longer a thing makes it somewhat special because it's rare now. Boom! I'm speaking shit."

Him: "Haha. Yah, in case something happens to Telegram, I have no means of communication with you. Or maybe you'd ghost me then I might find myself knocking on your door."

Me: "Ah, yeah. Fuck. You know where I live…"

Him: "Wishing I don't, huh? So it's peaceful when you leave me hanging."

Me: "Heyyy! If you were the one to ghost, you'd be the one to get the peaceful end."

Anyway, I ended up telling him I'll never ghost him. My dream about his father, though… I'm suddenly curious to see what the man looks like. I don't have a vivid memory of the face but if I'd see it again, I'll recognize it. He was wearing a white polo shirt when he came up to me by the railing of the boat. There was some kind of celebration in which I felt out of place because I didn't know anyone. To top it off, oceans terrify me and the present waves were large enough to amplify my fear and discomfort. That scene actually occured before the one in the house, as if Erwin's dad was warming me up first and assuring me there was nothing to be nervous about when I'd face the rest of the family. He was so nice, cordial and accommodating to my presence that he took time to check up on me when I ventured to clear off from the party and spend my lonesomeness and feelings of alienation by the railing. He had a glass of drink in his hand as he chatted his way through to make me feel comfortable and welcomed. His company was truly amiable.

I wonder if it meant anything… If I'd see his real face and it matches the one in the dream, I'd flip out, I'm telling you.

Second excuse to avoid seeing Erwin… Nah, didn't need to make one. Circumstances were on my side.

I went grocery shopping with mom and lil sis two days after I had the dream and I intentionally left my phone in the house because I usually have no use for it on trips like that, especially when I'm with family. When we got home and I opened it, I immediately regretted having not checked the gadget before heading out because a message from Erwin said that he was in the same establishment as I had been, getting his booster shot.

Me: "What duff… I'm so stupid. I didn't open my phone at all. I went grocery shopping there and just got home. Are you still there?"

Him: "Ah, damn. No. Back in the office now. What time did you arrive?"

Me: "Noon. Yeah, we could've met. Haha. Sorry, my fault."

Him: "I was truly there until 2:30. Damn, I was thinking maybe you were there and you really were."

Ah, I truly was annoyed by myself that day. But then I remembered I didn't want to see him so I was slightly thankful. But to be honest, there was no harm having lunch with him that afternoon so I still beat myself up about it for five minutes because I missed him.

By evening, he asked if I could go out that night and at first, I really wanted to, but…

Me: "Hmmm.. I can if I'd sneak out 😆 My parents are here... Is it going to be overnight? Because I need to be home before sunrise :/"

After telling him that, I was suddenly filled with instant regret and was afraid he might say yes, so I added: "And I'm sure you're too exhausted to wake up early to drop me off."

Him: "Oh, I see. It's fine. Hehe. Just stay there for now."

Me: "Hahaha. It seems the universe doesn't want us to see each other again."

Yeah, right. The "universe".

Him: "Seems like it.. A while ago, we were so near yet so far away. And now this."

Hmm.. For all its worth, I was glad I didn't have to lie much to avoid seeing him because what I said was true. Anyway, the main concern of the personal problem I was talking about has left me for I guess a week now, so I suppose it's safe to say I can finally see Erwin again because I've been itching to have another sensual and passionate night with him. Hehe. I'm such a slut.

James's Dear Diary