Dear Diary,

decided to write something again. A lot has changed and still not much. I managed to finish my masters. Got a perfect grade. But it was a mistake finishing it. Being a student was the only connection I had to anything resembling a life. Now I'm stuck here. There are no jobs I want to do. I'm super qualified but not for anyone is looking for. Rent prices are super high so I cant move. I dont even have my student ticket anymore so I cant just use the train freely without paying a lot. I'm stuck here, this is a town where only old people and families live. No young women. My loneliness is absolutely killing me. But then again its not like there was anyone in the bigger cities who wanted to date me either.

While writing my thesis my dad died and my mom got a glaucoma diagnosis. I didnt have a good relationship to my dad, he left us because of his alcoholism. But I wish I could help my mom. Her constant depression is pulling me down further too.

I cant talk about this with anyone. My thoughts just keep circling around it, about how I have never seen any real evidence that heterosexual love actually exists. And how it is probably because I am a guy and no woman will ever show me any affection because of gendernorms. It drives me crazy because finding a girl I want to hang out with has been the nr1 thing I want in life. I dont even care about sex, I just want a girl I like and hug her and talk with her. Just hang out. But there is nobody and there are no places to meet anybody, even in the cities. This society is completely dysfunctional, I cant wrap my head around it. I feel such deep hatred for the people who told me its fine to wait after school to find someone. School is the only chance you have as a guy, there is nothing else. At the slightest bit of trying to get closer to a woman you dont know you are looked at like an alien. And then everybody goes back to pretending how normal relationships are. I just dont understand how this is possible. Nobody can explain how relationships are supposed to start neither irl nor online. Its like a glitch in the matrix. If everything was like they are pretending it is, everything would be great. I wish so much that there were actually situations where you could meet women and then you could openly show your interest and they would react positively. And that there were situations where women would get intersted in you and talk to you. But they dont exist, how can everybody pretend that they do? I keep going in circles I know.

Some positives I have gotten pretty good at japanese I can call myself an intermediate I think. Also I have been working as a tutor for school kids. Getting these glimpses into a world that still functions like it should is nice. Its dishearting to know what awaits them though. Adults have created such a terrible mode of living and we are not even acknowledging it. Well capitalism has done it to be exact, Im sure if we actually designed our world for our own interests and not those of a 1000 rich people everything would be so much better. Places to date would exist because it wouldnt be expected to work some soul crushing job for 80% of your waking life. But alas.

MJvRensburg's Dear Diary