Dear Diary,

Made some money earlier. I am quite a bit ahead and really getting a nice cash flow in.
I have a motel room and took the longest shower. My normally pale skin is so pink right now from the hot water. It felt amazing!
What is it about motel duvets that are like the same thing and gross to look at or even touch. Like seriously, if you sleep with those things on the bed you need your head examined and a tetanus shot among other antibiotics probably. It is on the floor which I am sure is just as equally disgusting.
Air conditioner is on super high, have bottle water and bought a couple oranges from a food vendor earlier. I am going to sleep so good tonight, hopefully the bed is alright. So far it is but I have also been camping for the last few days so anything softer than the ground feels like heaven right now.
I am flipping through the TV channels and honestly wish I had a book instead. TV sucks unless someone is there to watch it with you.
I have a hard time being alone. I crave being alone but when I am alone, I want the opposite. Although right now, I need some recovery time. My lip is busted open again and hurts bad. It took an hour to get it to stop bleeding. I think the attendant who sold me the room probably thought I was a battered wife escaping my husband for the night. haha (Which isn't funny in real life at all but you know what I mean)
I never really thought about the citrus juice from the oranges and my busted lip. It stings like a bitch! I am so hungry for real food though. I cannot live off of fast food
It is my friend's Thanksgiving today and because of COVID, he is spending it alone. I hope he had a decent day at least.
I want to call my brother so bad and hear his voice. Bad idea! But I miss him.
I hate being out here and being gone. I wish I could just go home and sleep in my own bed and deal with my parents immature divorce behavior. I wish I had friends! I would be in high school and enjoying being a teenager. I don't know why life got so mixed up and hard.
I love my brother and always will. I miss him horrible. I know he misses me too.
I still don't think what happened was wrong. I really don't. I think the violent aggressive nature was but looking back I am just not sure of anything else. My therapist says otherwise, my parents say otherwise, and so do the few friends I have. Why doesn't my brain believe that?
I feel like I am way older than what I am. I think about being in high school and it just doesn't excite me. Worrying about football games, and dating, and dresses for dances, and sleep overs, just seems so ridiculous and immature. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I can't even handle being me let alone being what "the typical american teenager" should be like.
The one person I should think more of but I don't, is Jax. He is better off with my parents, believe me. I am no way in any form prepared or ready to be a mom. I sometimes think I would be if I actually had help from a father figure. I also think I need to grow up, a lot. I hate the decisions I have made in my life because it hasn't just affected me.
I am crying about it all right now and that is never going to fix it! I hate crying!
I miss Kemper! **I am not even going to open that can of worms tonight**
I think I miss my parents. It is sad because I don't hate them and I really don't have a bad relationship at all with them. I left because I have problems with me. I sometimes wonder what they are doing or what they are thinking of me right now. My friend is keeping them in the loop about me and I always have to watch what I say because it has cost me before. He is super nice though and to be honest, is a really good friend. Smart too! Like really smart.
I wonder what my brother is doing? Does he have a job? I am assuming so. Does he have a girlfriend? Is he happy? Does he think of me often? Does he hate his life? Does he miss Rebecca or think of her often? My heart bleeds for him and his situation/life. I just want to be there for him and yet it feels like we are on a different planet.
I took this super long shower and got all clean and ruining it all by crying. Ugh, I am going to go to bed. I am emotionally exhausted right now.

Julrayts's Dear Diary