Dear Diary,

Well technically it's a new day. I've been a drug user for so long, sometimes the days run together. But that's not what I'm in trouble and going to jail over. I've been smart and I've been lucky with my drug use. Other people who were alongside me were busted usually at least twice, sometimes more.

I got a paraphernalia charge in a city one state over. That's the only drug charge I ever got. They don't know about that where am I am now. Probably wouldn't matter because it's the most minor charge you can get in that state.

It was a bag of syringes and if I was to be picked up on it because it's been so long I'd likely have to serve some time for it, probably 10 to 15 days is my guess. Mainly because I'm from out of town. Could even be 30 days. But that's the least of my worries.

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about how much trouble I really am in. People who haven't been to jail before or who haven't been around people who have don't really understand how much worse it is than most people think.

I'm not saying that you should feel sorry for anybody in jail or headed there. You don't go there to enjoy it..

I'm going in there as a sex offender and I've heard stories about the segregated unit that they will put me in with the other vermin. That it's bad. More on that later.

Yes I called myself vermin. I made life choices that I want to say do not define me. But my actions and my choice to feed this monster of pedophilia does define me. That is fair. Rather than go into therapy and fight against it I embraced and fed the monster.

It fairly defines who I am and my character. A bad person, the lowest form of human life. The kind that price on children. Pedophiles should feel fortunate that people are as compassionate as they are. In a just world there would be hasty trials and hangings before the week was up.

I'll be back a little bit later and I'm going to explain what happened. Please don't stop reading out of disgust or hate. That shouldnt stop you from continuing to read.

It's going to be hard in there. It is going to be a terrible time. And I'm going to be recording it in this journal whether I want to or not. And I think that people have every right to find some satisfaction in the fact that somebody didn't get away with it this time.

This time they're going to pay for it. Someone yes, is going to get what they actually deserve. Unfortunately it just happens to be me. And I have to write this embarrassing journal.

I'm starting to realize it's just going to shame me more than I already am being shamed.

I have zero right to complain. This is what my choices have brought me. And it sucks. To be honest I feel like it's not fair. That's my natural inclination even though I know that's not true. It's about as fair as it gets. If anything it's not fair because the punishment is not enough.

I have to write in that damn thing everyday whether I like it or not and all this talk about accepting responsibility I know it's going to fade away really fast. All I'm going to want to do is come home.

I don't have the heart to do this all in one sitting so I'm going to add to end a little bit at a time. I completely understand if someone writes this and wants to give me a piece of their mind. I can't really say anything, what could I say after you hear this?

The only thing I ask is that people refrain from purely hateful vindictive vigilante type comments. There are courts, jails, that handle that. The penalties for most things are inconsistent or too lenient. I cannot control that.. So aside from that I expect harsh criticism.

If you're somebody that's triggered easily buy anything you'll be triggered by this. I think I'm even going to go wide on the description. I'm probably making it sound worse than what it actually yes. But no it's bad. enough.

The short version is that I took pics off Internet that were totally normal that any person could find in 3 seconds. They were teenage girls that were younger but they were fully clothed, nothing sexual. But it was noted that when they were put together it was obvious I have chosen them because they all highlighted certain Anatomy. That in itself was not a crime. But it was disgusting and it led to worse. I was reported for having pedophile thoughts, so they discovered that first thing I was checked out.

Soon they found. a blog with a storyboard.. It was about spanking (this has been humiliating in many different ways). There were sexual images of adults and other sexual content. I had included in a "story board" some of the regular pics of the girls, it was noted not one looked over 14.

Every ugly detail will be brought up at my sentencing hearing when the final punishment is determined with a range of time suggested by the plea agreement.

Soon as those proceedings are concluded and sentence pronounced I will be taken into custody immediately on the spot to begin serving jail time. My lawyer said that was more than 95% likely to happen.

I had not altered the pics but I had added words about the younger girls in the pictures. About them needing to be spanked or how hard they would be spanked. That kind of garbage . Unfortunately I had sexualized the pictures by the things that I had said and by presenting them in the context that I did. Showing photos of the minors that focused on specific parts of their body when it implied sexual situations the girls were in.

It was about the 12 to 14 year olds being spanked in the story. For example there would be a photo of an adult holding a paddle and then cropped into it or beside it would be one of the tween girls possibly bending over or sitting and opposed where it looked like they had just been paddled. I didn't really alter their pictures except for I cropped some some stuff out. Or a few pictures I cut up to where only their behinds showed to look like they were getting a spanking.

Sexual references were made about some of the minors. I had wrote the dialogue and things were sad around spanking them 4 sexual things they have done. Talked about spanking them especially hard. A few comments in the storyboard mentioned how it would be to engage in actual sex acts with the tweens.

One of the pics was of a local small-time celebrity teen from the same town as me. She was almost 15 at the time the blog was put out. She was in the spanking storyboard. I made a few comments about spanking the celebrity teen and in the storyboard dialogue I made a couple comments about why she deserved it and how I would would like to be the one to paddle her. Obviously this was absolutely stupid of me.

I never had met or even seen her around town. I had never been to any of her local events or or attempted to contact her in any way. Except for one prank call in which I had hung up the phone right after she answered. This was probably three or four months before I made the storyboard which would be considered the bad kind of porrn.

Through file sharing I received a request to download the blog / storyboard. I allowed it and I don't even know why I did.. I was aware in a way what could happen. When something hits the Internet it's forever there. The celebrity girl as well as her family saw the blog with the storyboard. I'll go into that and tomorrow's entry.

The plea deal I took recommends that I serve anywhere from 120 days to 300 days in the ××××××× County Detention Center. The minimum possible is 90 days and the max one year. That is what the judge is technically confined by. He could suspend any jail time and send me home. But I was told that is not going to happen, no chance so don't entertsin flsse hope.

About 40% left to explain. I'll return to finish that sometime later.

Amila's Dear Diary