Dear Diary,

There's only been one guy who I genuinely cared for. It's been months since I last talked or even did anything affiliated to him. I haven't dated anyone else as deep and emotional as I did with him. He was special.

My mother and I talked last night about things and she blurted out how much I just absorb everything happening around me that's why I just choose to block myself in all of them. I didn't respond as I knew she wasn't wrong.

I just couldn't afford putting myself in such a painful situation again. Losing him hurt me more than any pain i have ever experienced- he was my first. Not first everything, but the first one i've really dedicated to, committed to even for just a short while. For the first time I've etched a future for myself and for some reason he was in it too, which was very different to me.

It was a fairytale to be honest. None of it was true, I can say so by now. But it all felt so real to me, and that I couldn't make myself throw out the window. I never felt it again with anyone else. I remember telling him once that I chose him, and that when I already chose him, I know I would never be leaving him for long.

I've learned through the experience that no matter how convincing or good words can sound, they're only just words. We talked more than at least 3 times a day, everyday, for almost two months. I can't say it was all joy. At some point maybe both of us kind of demanded a lot and all the demands just broke that fantasy of who each other were.

Only met through the phone, ended through the phone. All the mystery was revealed and the lies. The pain was excruciating. But after being ghosted for almost two months, he came calling in the middle of the night, before his birthday. This happened last year but I remember it so vividly. The voice and the tone, I can never forget him. It felt like home rushed down through me as I tried my best not to be so drawn.

In the end I managed to shrug him off and question why he went MIA for a long time. He just told me he panicked, he wouldn't go into detail. He told me he missed me, and I remember at the time when he was gone I missed him so badly and prayed that if this guy ever comes back, he really is supposed to be with me. But when he did, I didn't have the strength to follow my emotions, I knew him well to be certain that he could destroy me again. I was scared. Initially I didn't regret it.

But knowing full well now that I couldn't get myself to trust anyone else makes me sad. Anytime I would recognize someone who speaks, looks or even had the same habits I would always think about him.

I don't regret who I am now though, the moment I cut him off was a decision as I knew then that if he cared enough for me he wouldn't have left in the first place.

I couldn't get myself to admit that currently he's still winning since I couldn't find anyone else that would probably amount or be better than him. He was aware that ge was that special to me- I was almost obsessed. He told me once, "If ever you find someone else, don't forget where you started", and chuckled.

When it came to two months that he wasn't contacting me at all I kind of got into terms with it, and slowly was happy adn slowly accepted it. But then he came back and it kind of haunted me in a way. In our last conversation he asked me, "should I not have contacted you again?", I answered, "No, it's okay I don't mind". But thinking about it maybe he shouldn't have. When he called he told me he was calling to clear the air out and clear his conscience, but currently I think he haunts me more especially since seeing that he got back with his ex.

I hope I can free myself from this. It's already been so long. I want to learn how to love again.

Copper Sulphate's Dear Diary