I just wanted to document how I feel physically because I write so much about the emotional part of bulimia. I feel physically tired, heavy and drained. Like my muscles feel like lead or like they’re tied down and to move I’m dragging chains like the ghost of Marley in A Christmas Carol. I take lots of vitamins- multi, C, zinc, magnesium, calcium, D, B12, folic acid, probiotic, fiber, tumeric, and a greenies powder. But today is probably the worst I’ve felt physically. I think I’m low in potassium because I took a potassium pill the other day and actually felt energetic after. Not sure if it was a coincidence so I’ll try it again and see. Potassium is lost with vomiting a lot.

So I ate more today than I have for a long time for breakfast. I had 3 teaspoons of low fat cottage cheese, some blueberries, grapes and I even had part of an apple (apples are on my mental list of unsafe foods), and then I ate a little more than half of a nutrition bar that is over 300 calories. So for breakfast probably I had 500 calories. Ugh. And that’s more than I eat in a day unless I’m throwing up.

That nutrition bar was so delicious though. It’s called Perfect Bar blueberry cashew flavor. I’ve had the peanut butter flavor before but only a tiny bit at a time. This time I just ate over half. These bars are so yummy. I feel so guilty now but I won’t have anything else to eat today and I’ll exercise again. And for the next 3 days I’m planning really hard not to binge/purge. I work the next 3, then off for 5 and I want to just keep this schedule how I planned it that I’ll only binge/purge my first 2 days off.

This will be hard because for the last few weeks after work I’ve consistently eaten and thrown up each night. Because when I get home from work I’ll eat dinner and if I eat what I think is too much I’ll just decide I need to get it out so I eat more and then throw up. Sometimes all I’ll eat is baked chicken and lettuce but it just feels like it was too much I’ll feel like a pig.

But anyway these next 3 days I’ll try my hardest not to. So I have to be very good at planning and stick to that.

So for my breakfast the next 3 days will be my usual pre work breakfast:

Orange collagen/caffeine powder (40 calories) this has all the amino acids in it and I 10g protein. Vital Proteins brand it’s called.

I mix that with one scoop of organic fruit/veggie powder which is 25 calories. It has chai seeds in it. I forget the brand but it’s just at the regular grocery store and made from broccoli, kale, fruit etc.

I just use water for my liquid. It doesn’t taste bad, has a faint orange taste and isn’t gritty.

For lunch at work which I don’t throw up, I normally either have a piece of low calorie bread, a veggie hotdog or broth. I think I’ll choose broth. I take my vitamins at lunch time at work so I do try to eat a little bit of fat. I’ve read you need 3-6g fat to digest the fat soluble vitamins. My broth has no fat.. ok. I can try to take my vitamins with dinner. Except I never know if I have to throw up then that’s such a waste and sometimes I just can’t help it.

So I’ll take one small piece each work day of the Perfect Bar for some fat.

Now for dinner. I have a meal replacement shake called 310 and it’s 90 calories for 1 scoop I’ll mix with water.

So that’ll equal 200 calories for the meals if I have 50 calorie broth. I also have a 10 calorie broth I can have instead. But if I have the 50 it’ll be 200 plus an extra 100 for vitamins -bc some are gummies like 25 cal for 2.

300 calories total. That sounds like too much. I need the 10 calorie broth instead or maybe cut out some of the gummy vitamins.

This was a lot of rambling I don’t expect anyone to read this far but if anyone is I appreciate the support and that you’ve read this, because I do feel alone a lot and it just feels better to put this out here so I’m not as alone or that this isn’t forgotten because it’s here and I sort out my thoughts and sometimes I realize things I didn’t know.

Every time I throw up I think about how dangerous it is. I also think about what a hypocrite I am. I’m a nurse by day, and at night I’m making myself throw up.

My manager and 6 coworkers know. I told 2 coworkers and they told others. My manager heard me throwing up and put the pieces together of how I never eat in front of others and have lost so much weight. So I think it’s good they know even though at first I didn’t. At first I was scared and wanted this all my secret. But it’s good because then they watch me at times to make sure I’m taking care of my patients. If I ever saw myself slipping, I would tell someone. I stopped throwing up routinely at work because one time while I was doing that a patient had needed me. It was my lunch break, but still. I need to not be self absorbed at work.

Speaking of work, I love it when I have enough time to really care for the patients. So many days though are busy it’s like all I’m doing is assessment and passing meds all day and throw in a blood transfusion, wound care, heparin drip, PEG/NG tube and foley. That’s basically how medsurg is. I had one patient last week I really liked and tried to spend extra time with. There’s always at least one in my assignment who I feel special toward. This man is very sick with metastatic cancer and so kind. I feel very ashamed that I hurt myself while others have sickness they didn’t choose.

Not ashamed enough to stop. I realized something that’s hard to admit, that I don’t want to stop most of the time. Most of the time I want to throw up. I want to lose more weight and I don’t know to what point but I don’t see myself ever wanting to stop. I know it can kill me and I’ve taken diet pills, ipecac, and laxatives that can do damage. I just want to be thin. So the physical discomfort and this mental obsession is what I’ll choose in order to get thin. I saw a picture of myself last year and I looked happy. I actually thought to myself “was I really that happy?” Because I’m so different now. But my eyes and smile looked happy. My hair looked healthy. My hair is not healthy anymore, my eyes have shadows under them and someone described them as sunken. I’m not happy. I don’t know though. I choose this for some reason.

Secret fish 's Dear Diary