How unreal it feels, Liam's passing .. For years, I've been indifferent to them and their band, but there was a time when I adored them earnestly. Though Harry, the curly-haired member, was my favourite, I always thought Liam the most handsome. One of my old notebooks still holds the evidence of my attempt at writing a One Direction fan fiction. I never got past the first chapter, of course, as my youthful creativity, borne from the chaos in my head, could never commit to one idea alone. I've attempted other stories in other notebooks, but only one remained in my possession. I want to read it again just to see what delightful nonsense my teenage cringiness made Liam say. Unfortunately, these articles are far from my reach, as I am, again, at my sister's place, an island away from my city.

It was all so sudden, the news of his death .. I was just recently listening to their songs on repeat, which YouTube Music threw into the mix of a randomised playlist. What Makes You Beautiful, Right Now, Night Changes... Even did karaoke and particularly sang along to Nobody Compares at the top of my lungs whenever it blasted from my phone's speakers because my niece enjoys the song heartily.

I recall one time, in an art class, when we were tasked with creating a piece of Pop-Art, and I chose the entire band as my subject. With the use of a pencil and a pen, I made certain every line was traced with thorough caution and precious care: the curve of a smile, the edges of their hair... At seventeen, I was so proud that I made the British group recognisable on the illustration board where I drew them. I think I got a perfect score for it.. That work means so much to me because it was the first time I ever ventured to try portrait ink drawing and it was to my sheer surprise and utter delight to know I was capable of almost, if not exactly, capturing not just one but five persons in one canvas. I was immensely filled with satisfaction and glee. At that time, it was the best work I had ever done. Some Directioners who had seen the piece asked if I could give it to them, but my pride and sentimentality refused to give it away, even when money was offered.

I suppose I was, indeed, a huge fan.. I wouldn't say they had a massive impact on my life, but their existence and music still played a significant role in my teenage years, most especially in my art. My affection for them made me brave enough to explore a mode of drawing I was anxious to try, and for it, I am thoroughly grateful. Most of all, and I can't stress this enough, for a time, they made me happy. Now, it's just sad to think that the band's reunion will only be made possible at the funeral ..

Rest in peace, Liam Payne 😔

(And, if the moment allows, rest in peace as well, Professor McGonagall.)

Thanks for bestowing the world your voice, talent, and music. You will be missed.

(This is such an old picture. I'd like to take a new one, but just like my notebooks, my artworks are nowhere near me.)

Itsmelj's Dear Diary