I'm supposed to write about how I feel but I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I've put off writing something down all week because I've been dreading it. I dread any and all obligations no matter how small or big they are. But my therapist will ask me about it so here I am doing it in the 11th hour.

I miss Logan. I believe I hold on to people longer than I should because I always think "what if". Or I blame myself for any failings in the relationship. Like if I could just be stronger or happier or more content with my own life then maybe I wouldn't look negatively on my partner. But then I don't know if that's actually true or something I just tell myself so I can avoid making hard decisions. I don't think she was right for me, but I miss a lot about her. In many ways I think she was the kind of partner I want: unconditionally supportive, she was able to relate to my depression in many ways so I felt understood to a degree, she desired a caretaker but didn't need one, and we empowered each other. But she was too young, too unstable, too much to handle in my current state. We were very much in different parts of our lives and as much as I enjoyed caring for her, I also equally did not. But I still long for those moments of joy she brought me. Logically she was not right, but emotionally? I'm sad she is gone. I so deeply want to cultivate the right mindset and healthy lifestyle so that when someone else comes along I can be more equipped to handle it and not end things because of my own issues.

But the truth is, ever since I left her I have felt... nothing? I mean, I'm depressed and sad and anxious and all of those things I normally am. But life for me is constant up and down. Usually more down than up, but I still try so often to fight the fight and get myself together. But since her, well those spurts of passion and energy and have all but faded into nothingness. I try and get myself going, rile myself up, spark something in me to find that motivation to do something productive but the fire has just burned out. I just feel so empty.

Alex's Dear Diary