When one is at sea soaking in the splendour of nature's beauty, one feels reflective. Either of the past, present, or future; the sorrows of life, joys, or afflictions; or simply the mere chimeras of one’s own daydream. The land upon which the skyscrapers are erected, the city upon which the buzz and exhaustion drives you to long for idyllic places far, far away; when viewed from afar, ironically, adds an additional calming element to the scenery.

As the ferry stretches the distance between the city and myself, my mind travels four months back to revisit the rest of what happened on the unfinished draft from my documents.

"Baka, something happened yesterday,” I told Lancelot on the phone.

"What?"

"Somebody... Somebody proposed to me."

"What?” he repeated in both surprise and disbelief. “How did that even happen?"

"Just kidding,” I chuckled. “He didn't. But he wanted to give me a ring, which I thought was crazy."

"Who is he?"

"A friend from France."

"You have a friend from France?"

"Yep. From Paris."

"Okay, but who is he?"

"Err.. Well, his name is Chace. I met him around four years ago."

"Go marry him."

"No,” I laughed. “I told you I was just kidding."

"So why did he want to give you a ring?"

"For me to wear it at all times and be reminded that he's always with me, whose notion I find endearing, but the whole idea absolutely ridiculous. And you know why I find it ridiculous? Because the guy has a girlfriend."

Lancelot didn't answer right away.

"But it seems he also wants a baka,” he finally said. “You should seduce him.”

"No. I don't like him." Not anymore.

"Why not?"

"We… don't match,” I replied, almost hesitant to say it. Chace and I were so compatible in so many ways. But then I remembered the one thing that destroys that perfect compatibility. And now this.

"Why not?"

"It's just... disappointing.”

What I most admired about Chace is that he is one of the good guys. Loyal, nice, sensible and kind. He even ignored and avoided me back when he was still dating that girl who broke his heart. On my part, it sucked. I was in love with him. But despite the grievances I went through, the fidelity and respect he possessed for his past lover struck me admirable.

Now... it seems as though he's the kind of boyfriend I fear to have.

A ring?

Really? Has he gone mental?

So I would think of him all the time? As if he doesn't already have a girlfriend who would do that? He also wants another girl to think of him?

It screams narcissism.

I am disappointed. He could've thought of a book or a pen... I even suggested he just pick up a rock.

But a RING?

I feel bad for the girl.

I rooted for her.

She was the girl Chace met on Bumble when he was trying to get over Olivia, the “first love” who crushed his heart to its very core two years ago.

From a 2022 post entitled “Entry 81—First Date: Erwin”—I wrote:

“With Chace's desperation to ease his pain, he met someone from Bumble and it led me to install the dating app, too.”

The girl he met was Chloe.

But he and Olivia were still in contact then and he told her about Chloe, and this got Olivia somehow jealous, and he clearly still had feelings for Olivia and was hoping for them to reconcile…

“I hope you choose Chloe,” I had told him. “I ship you with her.”

At that time, I was already going out with Erwin and I made a humorous connection about how if he would pick Chloe, we would both be dating Chinese. He laughed, but speaking in earnest, Olivia just seemed so toxic and in his mind, he knew she wasn't good for him but his heart said otherwise.

In the end, love conquered rational reasons. He didn't pursue what he had with Chloe and got back with Olivia instead. But that didn't last long, for when the feud between his heart and mind grew louder, clarity, at last, deafened foolish sentiments he harboured towards his lover. And so they parted once more, and this time, he chose the smart option: Chloe.

Chloe…

She knew of me... Chace spoke of me to her.

If she would read the messages Chace sent me, she wouldn't be happy. She would feel betrayed.

Chace: “What’s on your list to Santa? 🧑‍🎄”

Me: “I didn't conjure a list actually, but if I were to have one, a letter to Hogwarts. Hahaha. Et tu?”

Chace: “Humm. I see, ahaha. It doesn’t surprise me at all. I don’t need anything, except your Santa list ;)”

Me: “Ooh, are you implying you're my santa or something cos I'll give you a list alright.”

Chace: “Yess, ahaha. Give me the list.”

Me: “Anything dark academia. Books, quills, parchment, chessboard, old typewriter.. You might as well just give me a whole library :D”

Chace: “Mouhahaha, is this your new hobby?”

Me: “I've actually been interested in this aesthetic since I was younger, I just didn't know it has a name for it 🤣”

Chace: “Btw, do you know your ring size?”

Me: “No 😂 OMG, are you gonna propose to your girlfriend?”

Chace: “Nahh, it’s for someone else. My girlfriend is 50.”

Me: “You changed girlfriends? I didn't know you were into older women.”

Him: “Nah, it’s still Chloe :) Bahaha. Why older women? I missed something”

Me: “Oh, my bad, my badddd. I thought you had a new girlfriend that's 50 years old. Lmfaooo. Do you mean like 50mm?”

Chace: “Yeah. I was wondering what was yours.”

Me: “I've never measured my ring.”

Chace: “Idk how they measure it exactly, lemme check.”

And then he sent me two screenshots of instructions on how to measure it and a graphic chart of the sizes. It would be cool to know my ring size but when I read “dental floss” at the first instruction, I stopped reading. I didn't have enough motivation to execute a ring measurement that day by standing up and procuring dental floss.

Chace: “Are you more into silver or gold?”

I found the question rather strange because it seemed he was putting a lot of value to my opinion about Chloe’s preferences when he should be the one who should know it best. At the same time, I was starting to get suspicious because he said he was going to give it to “someone else”, and… he couldn't mean me, could he? That would be crazy. I certainly didn't want to assume and like I just said, that would be crazy. No matter, I answered that gold fits my skin better so I naturally preferred that colour.

Chace: "Ofc, ahah. I could've guessed it.”

Me: “But seriously, are you thinking of proposing to Chloe? Charlito’s gonna be a husbando 🥺”

Chace: “Nah, at least not yet. It's way too soon. But one day, it may happen. Hihi. I wanted to offer you a ring for Christmas.”

Ah. Despite my confirmed suspicions, a part of me thought he only wanted to know my size because he was thinking it might probably be just the same as Chloe’s and wasn't just being direct about it…

Me: “Why ring? 🤣”

Chace: “Cos you would be kind of my wife then ;)”

Me: “Yooooo, are you Muslim now? 🤣”

Chace: “Bahahaha. I want you to wear it often :) With this, I'm staying with you a bit.”

Me: “Why do you say things I wish a boyfriend would say to me? Lmfaooo.”

I humoured him and added it should be cheap cos I don't wanna wear a ring outside that's gonna attract muggers. However, I still didn't measure my ring finger when our conversation went further, even when he considered cheap rings. Perhaps he surrendered that idea because he circled back to my Santa list.

Chace: “I give you 2 options. First, you make a detailed list with pictures of what you want. Second, I choose for you.”

He's made it clear he wanted to give me a ring so the better choice was the first one. But I also didn't want to do that! I was too lazy to create a “detailed list”. Besides, I didn't really consider that he was being serious because I know him. When he feels inspired, he says so many grand words about things he would do, for example, when he was broken-hearted two years ago. Oh, but did he make so many promises and big talks of changing for the better, for the girl; even the things he loathes doing, to the point of driving me madly jealous! He said he was going to do sports and start theatre class to gain more confidence; to join philanthropic activities because Olivia was an advocate for that, and a bunch of others I have forgotten. The only thing he's ever ticked, as far as I know, was giving free coffee to people at a park.

So this whole present-giving might just be another spasm of inspiration he was experiencing that fades overtime. I asked him if he was being serious and he insisted I deserved a gift.

Me: “Hahaha. Okay, Santa. But to be honest, noodles, you don't need to trouble yourself. I thought we're just goofing off as usual.”

Chace: “It doesn’t trouble myself, what troubles myself is not making you a present.”

Me: “But I mean wouldn't your girlfriend get upset?”

Chace: “It’s just a gift. If she knows, she would find it weird ofc. But there is nothing wrong surprising someone you care about. And someone who helped you during tough times. Hehe.”

The last sentence almost melted my heart, but... a ring is just wrong. It's way too special. It should only be reserved to your other half.

And he did give his other half a ring for Christmas too, alright.

Me: “You're engaged???”

The memory of when we made a promise not to marry before 30 and being each other’s backups, in a fleeting second, made an appearance in my mind..

Chace: “Nope, just a ring without any significations except I love her. Hihi.”

Does he, really? And despite his love for her, he wants to give me a ring, too? If he was my boyfriend and I found out he wanted to give another ring to someone else, I would be devastated. Even if he changed his mind in the end, just the fact that he “thought” of giving another girl one (albeit being just a token of appreciation) and “desired” to offer her the same item—would make me feel a tremendous betrayal on his part. Perhaps I am also at fault here. I was being too blithe to point it out.

What even made him think this is a good idea? And what's the point of surprising someone when you've already told them beforehand? Although, to be fair, this kind of surprised me because—what the fuck?

I know he cares for me, but just what in the deuce happened to him?

I've said in the past that he'll always have a special place in my heart. At present, I visit that place, guarded by dark passages to separate it from the heartaches that would blight its fairytale essence and enchantment. At present, I still cherish that place, a place where our sweet memories are safely ensconced within a bubble inside my heart's treasure chest. But it seems this conversation pricked a needle inside that bubble and cracked its protective case, a case coated with my old feelings for him, ideals and fantasies.

The lines of the crack seem to speak to me.

He is not special. Nor one of a kind. My eyes, in the lense of someone crazy in love, just made him so.

Zzzzzzx's Dear Diary