I think there are different elements of a decision. There is the decision in the moment, the decision made in-haste, sadness, anger. The decision made as you finish the ice-cream to not eat ice-cream again.

These are rarely lasting decisions. The decisions that last are taken in quiet complementation, they are the decisions that etch into your daily activity and life. I am now at that point where, for myself, I want to take the decision to address some of the issue that have held me back. That is a decision taken in cold light of day, and one to consistently

re-affirm

In making that decision its also about another form of acceptance. It's saying - "I don't want to be that person anymore", but also accepting that "you have been that person". That doesn't mean the negative part of you is defining of who you are - or even that it constitutes the majority of your being. But it does mean accepting that it exists, and not pushing it away as - "that isn't the person I am". Its about reframing it as "that is the person I have been, that is the person I no longer want to be, and I will work to change that".

For me, some of that change is practical doing, maintaining the things that drive positive mind-space, but also strategies for "in the moment" challenges.

Today:

Run - 15KM, felt really good, super positive headspace and nice endorphin rush during afternoon

Therapy - session with Sam felt like meaningful step forward. We spoke about some basic strategies, but explored why I have this compulsion to not end an argument / choose to escalate, and why my mind starts to lack "space" in those moments to have the circuit breaker moments. I felt like I gained a perspective on myself that will be a good foundational point to move forward, and also granting myself reassurance and not needing external reassurance. More things to say, but might save that for a separate reflection

Mediation - back to headspace (calm was meh), nice 10minute guided meditation. Felt like I slipped back into it very quickly given its been years since I've done it. Felt relaxed and calm afterwards. Good quote around creating "spaciousness" in the mind - as I recognise when I spiral, its like my mind doesn't have the space for the other thoughts

Books - found a couple of books that seemed interesting. Going to get on the Kindle and read some. Ones around overthinking seem helpful, but a few around "distress tolerance techniques"

Tanpa nama's Dear Diary