Dear Friend, I think about you a lot today. Over a decade and I still remember many details. I loved you as a friend, still do. You made me laugh, you'd do well in comedy. You were kind, you understood, without me saying or doing much. You were patient, openminded, open to everyone and everything. In a short time you left quite an impression, if only you knew the effect you had on me.

But I can't stay friends with you, I can't keep in touch with you, I have to end it. You live so carefree, adventurous. I am not like that. You always get what you need and what you want, and the adventurous stuffs - you always get away with. My life is not like that. In a way, it's my choice, but also because my life has always been like that and so I get used to it.

I know you loved me, I knew it then and I don't know how, but I know you still do. I don't love you like that, I never did. I saw you, a few years back? I knew right away it was you. You turned around and our eyes met. and I knew you knew it was me. You didn't change much, I didn't change much, otherwise you wouldn't have known it was me. How did this happen? I moved far away from where we used to live.

The man I saw you with, wasn't your husband. He wasn't the man I saw in your house, that day when you invited me to your house and your husband was at work. He wasn't the man who picked you up from work either. Was he one of your many adventure 'partners'? Or was he a friend you just met? Did you get divorced, maybe your husband found out the many adventures you had behind his back? If he found out, it wasn't from me. But knowing you, you will be fine, you will find another man, it's as easy as turning a new leaf with you. You always have your way with men, they can't keep away from you and they will let you get away with pretty much anything.

I can't stay friends with you, I can't keep in touch with you. I don't want to be influenced by you, the way you live. Because I will not get away with those things, that never happens in my life so I won't even attempt it. But I love you, you made me forget my loneliness, you made me feel normal, although only for a short time. Your secret, you know which one, I will keep it for as long as I can. I feel so bad, so selfish to keep this from your husband, that's also why I can't stay friends with you. The guilt is killing me, and the way you treated him (do you still treat him like that?) I don't want any part of that.

I don't know how to contact you or him anyway, it's been so long, people move out, change phone # and so on. and I don't want to look for you or your husband in social media, because you will know and will reach out to me and I will feel guilty to ignore you and what I always fear, will come true. You know that part of me and I hate that part of me, the giving part - especially when I decided this time I am taking, and then I did take, then I felt guilty for it so I gave more to compensate. It's so abnormal, so wrong, messed up - even worse I put up a 'normal, nothing unusual' face all the time - that's why I hate that part of me. You are giving too, but you have no problem taking, more if you could. Which is fine, you are your own person, I am my own person. That's just how we are and that's why I can't be friends with you.

Why did I write this much, the whole page about you. So I will stop here. If you read this and you know, you know, but don't try to reach me. Leave me alone. Love (or whatever it is you feel for me) me from far. Just do that one thing for me.

Hiba zardoum's Dear Diary