My bulimia (if that’s what it is) has evolved since I started in February. Now I have huge binges and I’ve spent almost 2 hours just throwing up since the amount I ate was so great. I determine if I have more to throw up by how I feel and how my stomach looks. It’s very weird to see my stomach so distended but my ribs sticking out and my bony arms so small and collarbones jutting out with a pregnant looking belly. I throw up until my stomach is flat again. I lose count of how many times I throw up, I just know it’s been taking an hour or longer. I don’t like to describe it like this, but I don’t know how else to, so I’ll describe it like a love/hate relationship. I love when I throw up. I controlled it, I got it out, but at the same time I hate this so much. All during it I’ll promise myself “this is the last time, I’m worthless, I won’t do this again” but when I wake up the next day I already start planning for the next binge/purge. Or sometimes even later that nite. In the morning I try to plan so I can eat something with my vitamins and not throw it up. So today I had butternut squash and broth for breakfast with vitamins. The squash has a lot of potassium in it so I have to wait for this to digest before I binge and throw up. I tried that yesterday, I ate organic pasta in my broth. It was too heavy and I had to throw it up along with all my vitamins unfortunately. All I kept thinking was “who tf throws up ORGANIC pasta? I’m such a failure I’m so worthless”. I guess I’m really bad with the negative thoughts and putting myself down.

I try not to throw up at work but I fail, and that really makes me hard on myself. I wish I just threw up what I ate normally like I used to when I started this. I hate the binges. But why do I do them?! My weight is going up and down. I went to 108 lbs then back up to 114 and now I’m 112. It scares me because if my weight goes up I didn’t throw up all my food and I get afraid of that.

Oh the other day. This was a bad day. I took ipecac because I’d eaten 4 pop tarts, cookies, chocolate, broth, and I couldn’t throw up for some reason. So I took ipecac that I bought for if I couldn’t, and it made me very sick. I had to leave work early. But instead of doing the right thing to just go to bed I went to the stores and got more food since I was already throwing up uncontrollably every 20 mins or so. I ate Mac and cheese, tasty cakes, bagels, ham, pretzels, Oreo cookies, chocolate. I kept eating and the ipecac taste wouldn’t leave my mouth or throat. It tasted like rotten eggs x100 and felt like it was coating my mouth, tongue, esophagus and stomach but I kept checking my tongue and nothing was on it.

I hated that but even as I write it, I want to eat it all again and throw it up again. I don’t know how I can both hate and love something so much. I do know when I try to stop like at work, I can’t. But I will not take ipecac at work again. I was determined to stop but the other day we got a lot of free pizza at work. Forget it. I had 6 slices. Then a bagel. At work I can’t spend an hour in the bathroom I have to be fast so I know not all of it got out and I felt so guilty, worthless. I feel like dying. I feel like dying whether I throw up everything or not. Not suicidal. Just wishing I was dead.

So I need a plan to be able to stop when I want to. Fasting works good. If I have nothing to eat at all I usually can stay like that. I hate when my stomach feels heavy or full. So gross.

Anyway I don’t keep in touch with my friends much anymore. I care about them still but when I talk to them I talk normal and then I’m thinking like in my head I’m obsessing about food, losing weight, being bones, wishing I was dead etc and feel like an imposter or something and not really the same person I was. So I just feel withdrawn from everything and everyone I was friends with.

Anyway at work I had a patient who was going to rehab. She had a foley in for retention, and I asked the physician if he wanted it out before she went to rehab. He said yes. I removed it and 2 hours later she still hadn’t voided. Bladder scan showed retaining but it wasn’t working right and didn’t say the exact amount. The physician said “let the rehab deal with it” when I said something. I told other nurses but they were busy. I could only let the rehab know. However I don’t have confidence they’ll be on top of the situation. I was so busy that day. I didn’t leave work until 10pm. My tech wasn’t helping and I hate to tell techs to do something they should know but I did have to say “please answer that call bell because I can’t right now” since I had to give someone else nausea and pain medicine and my admission still needed a full assessment. Stressful day. I love my work though and even like it when it’s busy just maybe not so busy that I’m there until 10.

Sunflower's Dear Diary