Dear Diary,

After not being able to discuss the things I had found that my girlfriend had been doing behind my back for 7 days because she got her phone taken by her witch of a mother, today we finally got to talk.

I had written a whole lot for her to read, about everything I found and how I felt about it. I caught her talking to other guys in a sexual context, learned she had sent

explicit photos, and had been leading her bestfriend on to believe that she was single

while in fact she was still with me.

The first thing she responded with was "Hi", and to be honest that's the response I was

hoping for. I was looking forward to having a calm relaxed discussion about what I had found and get passed it because I still wanted her. We all make mistakes and after all the wonderful things she's done in my life, the least she deserved is a second chance.

She didn't mean the things she was saying to those guys, we all get hormonal and I understand that, even though I do believe that's crossing the line in relationship

if she's doing that with other people.

There was a lot of miscommunication it seems, to explain this further you got to be informed of what happened about 2 weeks earlier. Roughly in June, she had informed me her mom might force us to break up. No sane person would agree with any of her reasons that I don't really care to state, but again we may soon have been forced to break.

To my knowledge that never even happened, to my gf however, it happened without me even knowing or ever acknowledging it. Her mom took her phone and "sent a text" to me telling me that it was over. I guess her intention was to make it look like she had sent it and not her mom. The funny thing was that I never even got the text. My gf's phone doesn't even have service and I don't think her mom realized that you can't send texts without service. So after that, her mom showed her the text and she had thought or I guess that was the end of us periodically. I had 0 knowledge of this, I was never informed, never got the memo. So next time my gf is able to sneak her phone away and text me... I never thought anything different, I just gave her a relationship encouraging letter that I had been working on to give her if we did break up.

Her response basically consisted of "You're mine, stuck with me forever and I am never taking this promise ring off till its replaced with a wedding band.", I'm still a bit confused about it all but this might've been us getting back together?? Again I never even knew we broke up so?? I'm just clueless to that and I'd ask her but her but she got caught on the phone she wasn't suppose to be using and I don't think I'll hear from her for a few weeks till school starts back up in Mid- August.

So that's where some of the miscommunication came from, I had no idea we had broken up so while I'm reading these texts "we broke up, we split, etc.." all that jazz I thought

she was just telling people that so they'd give her more attention. I told her bestfriend that she was leading on that we had never broken up like she had told him, so he thought that she lied to him, I thought she lied to him, and I guess he thought I lied to him because she said something different.

One of the guys I had talked to, the guy she had sent explicit pictures to 6 months ago said some things that weren't true. I just believed them because after everything I had found, I would've believed anything less than the worse thing she did. However he lied about some things, and just caused a lot of confusion.

She admitted she cheated, that she did it because she loves attention and loves being bad, which to be honest I understand. She's a girl that loves attention, we all love being bad sometimes because it's exciting to break the rules in a risky situation.

However I can't relate when it comes to relationships and doing that. Having fun is one thing but cheated on the guy you promised your loyalty to is just well... cheating and its wrong. I'm glad she admitted it, I was honestly worried she might just leave me on read and avoid the whole confrontation, or worried she'd deny it but to be honest it went quite well considering it all.

I asked if she had real feelings for her bestfriend and she said yes. She said she had loved him way before she loved me. The guy himself told me that she continued trying to get in contact with him after sophomore year until junior year started. Which is about a summer more or less. This made me sad of course, but as much as it hurts to hear, I need the truth right now and even after this has all been over now as I write this, I still feel like she lied to me about why she made her final decision in the end.

I asked her if she considered breaking up with me for him and she said "yes". I think out of all of this, even more so than the cheating... that hurt the most. The only thing I think could've felt worse is when I asked if we hadn't gotten back together after this "break up", if she would've waited for me. She said "not for very long". That hurt me a lot, damn near cried because after all the promises we've been making to each other, we always promised we'd stay loyal to each other if we had to break up, that we'd wait for her so when she just said that- it felt like she had just broken every promise she had ever made and it hit me like a wave of emotional pain.

She had just blatantly admitted to the possibility of breaking a promise that she knows meant so much to me. If she could break that one so easy, who's to say she won't break any others in the future with the excuse of hormones, or her desire to be bad, or these feelings she had for this guy. I wasn't even aware?! I never knew about these feelings so if we hadn't gotten back together, I might've gone back to school in a few weeks expecting my girl to be there waiting and looking for me but instead come back to her in his arms, just drop to my knees in tears, and when I can- stand up, turn around, go back home, and cry my eyes out for next 3 days. It'd suck having to go back to school though after that, facing one of my biggest, if not my biggest fear on a daily basis. We have all the same classes we could get as well so I'd never be able to get away from the reality that is living in a world without her being mine.

In the end she mad a promise to me, her exact words being:

"Here’s my promise baby

I plan to be buried on your left when

we die and our head stone to say the same thing"

As comforting as that should be to hear, everything she had done, said before that, and even what she continued to say after that makes me feel like she doesn't really mean it. I don't want her to stay with me just to make me happy. I want a girl who wants me for the reasons people want another person. I want a mutual feeling of love, loyalty, affection, etc... I want someone who feels the same way about me that I do them.

She said I should just dump her, tell her to "fuck off", and all sorts of other things that I didn't want to do. To be honest she's right. I have every reason to break up with her. She lied, she cheated, she has feelings for someone else, her family is a pain, they hate me, I won't be able to legitimately date her for a year because her mom doesn't like me, but despite those things- I love her so I can't.

I told her I loved her unconditionally and I meant it, she never really believed me but I hope this forgiveness and a second chance is a enough to prove that after what she did. Any sane person would leave a relationship this complicated and this difficult but I suppose I never claimed to be sane either.

It takes a lot, I try to hide it from her and she might not even realize but its hard being in a relationship like this. Nothing about our relationship is normal, and I wouldn't mind that- however the abnormal things are the kind of things that really really suck. I can't see her for weeks at a time, her mom has made it a pain to do anything, she never trusts me despite my loyalty, her phone gets taken all the time and since the 13th it's been permanently gone outside a few times she's been able to sneak it, even when I was allowed over- we were never allowed to be alone, she has now cheated and there's a bunch of other little things that really add up and has made this relationship a living hell.

It's a rough relationship but it's worth it to me. The love that she gives me, the future I see with her, our kids that I've seen but haven't been created yet, and so many other things. It's just so worth it. Working hard for something like this is okay with me.

I just hope she develops the same feelings I have for her, I don't wanna lose her.

87's Dear Diary