I have this thing that I didn't use to have when I was younger and growing up. This thing that makes me want to be quick at things, or do nothing at all if I feel like it wastes too much time.

I hate this feeling. Of inpatients. And I'm struggling so hard to break this mindset that I need to race for the clock all the time. I want to be happy, and be stuck in my own little bubble of a world, so I can focus and be passionate about something. But this sense of losing precious time is keeping me from doing things I love, almost like paralysis.

I have so many hobbies and interests that I've been wanting to catch up on and do, but when I begin them I start to think 'is this really want I want to spend my time doing? Isn't there something more important? Something that would make me happier doing?'

And because of these constant thoughts that keep looping in my mind, I end up just sitting there, thinking of what I want to do until I eventually lose interest, and end up doing nothing for the whole day.

I don't want to waste time, and yet that's what I'm doing every day, and it's driving me mad.

I tried just not thinking about it too much, and make myself do something without considering it, but in the end I can't stick with it. I get bored, or inpatient, or something distracts me.

I used to be so patient when I was little. I could draw for hours, or do something constantly without getting bored or inpatient. I would get lost in thought doing it, and by the end I would have something pretty interesting made. But now.. I don't know what it is that changed me. Maybe it's that I got older, and I feel like I'm running out of time, which makes no sense because I know I have a lot of it. I'm still young, with energy and passion, but I can't bring myself to focus on one thing.

Pluto§aradox's Dear Diary