13^th May 2016

Jay,

I hope this finds you well.

Firstly, as always, it was good to hear from you during the week. You are always in my thoughts, so when you make contact it always brings a smile to my face and generally a good buzz.

It was disappointing, therefore, that you took the attitude in which you did and decided that me asking to be able to “see” when you read my messages was asking too much.

It’s strange when I read the diary extract you sent me – where you talk about me and say how nice it is to have my friendship, about how you value my companionship; you talk about how the way you treated me was very selfish, you talk about how you have been very insincere and about how you could have treated me better. You say you hope I can forgive you for being a hopeless case…

And I think when you wrote these things they were expressed with honesty and truth, then you message me and immediately you revert back, out of “fear” I think. You take up your safe place, the defensive place which says keep everyone away; don’t get too close, don’t ask anything of them and then you won’t be disappointed – and so, despite, I’m sure, taking quite awhile to make the decision to contact me again you immediately seem to regret the decision.

You contacted me for a reason, because you want me to be a part of your life – I’m not sure in what capacity, but it’s certainly more than someone to do “chit-chat” with, as you put it at one stage.

Your diary also somehow suggests that involvement with me means settling down – I assume as a couple, I’m not entirely sure. Yet, this isn’t something I ever suggested; in fact, I’ve repeatedly mentioned in all the time we were seeing each other that one day I’d have to accept that you would find someone you truly loved, and I’d have to let you go or at least drastically change the nature of our relationship.

The truth is you aren’t ready for a relationship like that with me, or anybody else, and I’m in no position to have that kind of relationship with anyone either, so I don’t know why it seems that you have only two options relating to me: long-term partner or no contact at all… I don’t know why this is the case?

Anyhow, I guess I see things very differently. I don’t think long-term about us; I’ve always been in the here and now – in the present moment. And for me those moments have been very special; I think a lot of the time they have for you, too. Except, you then “run away,” which I believe is your defence against getting hurt. You don’t trust relationships; you don’t trust anyone to be reliable, and I understand why that might be the case.

In the diary you also talk about the need for solitude – but, while you are depressed, that is the worst thing for you. Any advice you would receive would be to encourage you to force yourself to socialise, to be with people – even though I’m sure it is difficult to do so, and I say that because I’ve been there. I understand why being alone can be easier…

All I want for you, Jay, is to be happy, to be the person you can be – to emerge fully; to be fully alive and make the impact on the world you are destined to make, and I think I can help you in that process.

When we are together I help you to see another way, to see another you, to see a better, more fulfilling future; to see that you are a beautiful man, who has had a hugely positive impact on my life.

And in those times, when you let your guard down, and allow yourself to relax, you are transformed to a wonderful place. You often describe it as a trance – but that trance is simply you letting go of all your stresses and worries, if only briefly, and just for a short while, allowing yourself to be open, to be unguarded, to be cared for deeply. To know that someone sees you for the wonderfully special person you are and, just briefly, you allow yourself to believe you are special, too.

So, at this time in your life, when things are tough, I think that we can be a positive influence on each other; we can learn from each other’s experiences and bring positivity into each other’s lives. Who knows, when you are looking back, and the true Jay emerges, you might see no role for me in your life, or it may be a different role – but that’s in the future. I think for now we have much to gain from each other.

I guess it will be for you to reflect and decide; has cutting me out of your life for the past five months really helped you, or is it possible that maybe there is more to be gained from connecting in some way?

Whatever you decide, know that you have impacted hugely and positively on my life. You have left a permanent mark in the person I have become and will continue to be in the future. I wish that I could do the same for you... But you will remain in my heart, and my care and support always will be available to you.

You say in your last message that goodbye is the best thing for both of us… I disagree because goodbye for me isn’t an option. Neither distance, nor anger, or sadness has made me walk away from you, and I still won’t; I can’t and don’t want to. So, if ever there is anything I can do for you, know I’m always here.

In the meantime, know also that I will be thinking of you and praying for you, and wishing that you can one day look at yourself and see what I see; that wonderful man wishing to enter the world, afraid to take the risk. And maybe he will emerge, and the world will be a better place.

Yours always, James

P.S: Enjoy Josh Groban! xxx

Sunday night, 29^th May 2016

Dearest friend,

The Josh Groban concert this weekend was an amazing treat; something Lucy and I thoroughly enjoyed!

James was even so nice to arrange for our accommodation when we arrived in Belfast; a single two bedroom at a fancy hotel near the city centre.

We were certainly very grateful that we didn’t have to go through paying for everything ourselves, but something James had prepared as my birthday gift – as I turned 22 in January…

The connecting bus journeys to reach Belfast was also no stress, as the driver accepted my companion travel pass – which even saved Lucy the worry.

The concert took place at Waterfront Hall, on Friday night – just after 7pm. The presence of the location appeared more like a luxurious auditorium (which, with it’s design and purpose, it really is!) than a concert arena like I’ve witnessed before.

I was very enthusiastic to see what this live performance would be like!

Have you ever been to an opera house?

Well, that was what the situation felt like; a theatre building, with its orchestra pit, a huge audience – on balcony and floor – and everything on stage looking very glamourous. In fact, the concert was performed by Groban in opera style; sang beautifully and very heavenly indeed… This was very different to the pop and rock band concerts I’d been to in the past; this was especially unique!

Lucy, who has very different taste in music than I do, was equally moved by the majestic eloquence shown by Groban’s overall live performance.

He certainly had a way of chasing people’s hearts with his incredible talent.

Generally, I follow Groban’s music and some of my favourites are: Don’t give up (You Are Loved) and Remember Me (Troy movie soundtrack). But that night he took us on a very different journey; Groban didn’t play his pop songs as I expected, but actually performed some of the world’s beloved classics: Bring Him Home (Les Misérables), You’ll Never Walk Alone (Carousel), Children Will Listen (Into The Woods), All I ask of you (Phantom of The Opera), and Over The Rainbow (The Wizard of Oz) – most recognized from the greatest musicals and classics from opera songs…

The best way to describe it was as an enriching experience; so powerful it brought me to happy tears!

All throughout, Lucy and I embraced each other as the music ventured us to a place beyond space and time…

All I can say is that we were truly happy, and for once that was enough. 😊

Yours, Jay.

Star 's Dear Diary