Tuesday, 31^st May 2016

Dearest friend,

Recently my beautiful sister Cindy celebrated her Confirmation! I was able to get the early bus down to Sligo to attend the church ceremony, which took place at the Sligo Cathedral around morning time.

As a support and companion, Lucy kindly attended the mass with me, as it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen my family – so I was a little anxious about the whole encounter at first…

To my great joy, once I made my appearance and received such a warm welcome from family and friends, the anxiety dissolved and what replaced it was an immense feeling of pride and excitement for my amazingly strong and gifted little sister on her big day!

It was also lovely to see my older sister Maria, who sat next to Lucy and me in the church, and catch up with her about life in general. I definitely sensed a great maturity develop in Maria, who no longer slags me for little quirks and habits (a clash I always assumed was because of the differences in our personalities), but was now much sincerer and delighted to be seeing her big brother. It was such a touching moment for me!

I also found the priest’s speech on family very moving. I was half expecting him to preach The Fourth Commandment: “Honour thy father and mother.” But, no.

He took us on a very different wavelength; one that was pure and refreshing – and which spoke to me deeply. He was suggesting that we should always honour the little things, like the teachings life itself serves as a favourable lesson, the people that enhance in our process of growth, both as a human being and spiritual soul, and how the most unexpected people that come our way are also a form of family in God’s eyes…

It was so beautiful hearing him talk about spiritual transformation, seeking meaning as we grow into our own independence and find a life of our own in the world. So inspiring!

For me, the priest’s words resembled my connection towards my two wonderful sisters and my need to be a positive example in their life.

I’d like if, one day, my efforts may be a source of inspiration for them to chase their own dreams, for I have complete faith in their potential to do so!

I also connected with Mum shortly after Cindy made her Confirmation and we headed outside the church to take photographs. I didn’t really know what to say to her at first, because I hadn’t seen Mum since that tough encounter in Dublin.

In any case, she asked how I was keeping and I said she looked lovely in her pink dress. It was very brief but in most instances when something’s said it’s enough.

Soon after everyone headed off to Dublin, where Cindy will celebrate her day with relatives there (from her father’s side). I gave Cindy a big hug and told her how proud I was. It surprised me how happy tears came to my eyes while watching them drive off; Cindy waving in the back seat with a big smile…

“Cya soon, Jay!” she told me when hugging.

“Are you alright?” Lucy asked me, when it just so happened I was daydreaming and now staring into nothing on the driveway.

“Yes,” I said, finding my voice. “I’ve never been more proud!”

Lucy gave me a moment to collect myself, and then we headed into town to have lunch at O’Hehirs – where the light-hearted humour was back, and everything felt right. It was such a wonderful day!

Now I must stop; the heavy emotions are coming back, and I so want to get a good night’s rest - without any intensity in mind… All is good, I feel.

Yours, Jay

P.S. It’s been arranged with M.I. and me that I will spend more quality time with Cindy at a later date, as there wasn’t enough room to accommodate me in Dublin. I look forward to this and can’t wait to see Cindy again soon.

Thursday morning, 2^nd June 2016

Dearest friend,

I’m staying in Sligo with Lucy for a few days.

The whole arrangement is a little funny, as I’m staying in the same home I rented for a few years upon leaving my grandmother’s – my old room only across the way (now rented by another lodger) – and we try to stay out of the way from other household members, to avoid painful questions… Even so, Unna is very nice and extremely hospitable to house Lucy in her home, after I persuaded that she take her on.

It amazed me how much good it brought me to be in positive company; to get out of my own head for a while, and to enjoy the present moments with my friend.

And it wasn’t like it was some secret; I can easily talk to Lucy about my feelings if a moment arises, but what ends up happening is even nicer…

We joke, we laugh, and we see the light in things; it creates this shared energy where it seems we conquer all and our togetherness a reminder that what we share is enough!

As I’m sure you’ll agree, to be able to turn to friends is always comforting on some level. For a while, I just didn’t have the courage to reveal my struggle, and so the process has taught me that pain deserves no silence.

At the same time, there comes a point where your inner feelings can’t be shared with a second person; it becomes an intimate journey you walk alone.

I’m sitting here at The Back Avenue, on a bench overlooking The Garavogue lake. It’s nice and peaceful – a place that always seems to restore a feeling of calm and tranquillity within me. This must be my favourite place in all of Sligo!

This morning I had the strong sense that I wanted to be alone, so that I could enter a place that allows for me to be meditative and fully present; body and spirit.

The Back Avenue just happens to be that perfect space for me; it’s amidst nature and the beautiful turquoise-like river – a reflection of the trees upon the water – which I always associate a presence of healing, being reborn or even catching a glimpse of what God’s smile must feel like; transformed… Yes, there is certainly no other place I’d rather be!

During the walk here from Cartron I first had my doubts that I may experience this feeling of joy and pure renewal; connecting totally and completely in my own special way, with the Earth and our timeless universe.

But once I reached my intimate destination, stepping foot onto the river’s edge, feeling my balance safely positioned on the rocky man-made bridge, the fresh air nourishing my senses and face, and being completely overcome by this sweet bliss…my hesitations became clarified!

As a sensitive teenager I often retreated to The Back Avenue when times were tough and needed inspiration, when it was nearly impossible to hope and dream in environments that were dismal and tense…

Going on nature walks around here, or playing catch with my puppy Patch, always endeared me and brought back powerful perspectives within.

It is so necessary that, amid the chaos and noise that life often invites, sometimes we might look to solitude and feeling the presence of our pure spirits and friendship with God…

Now when I suggest solitude I don’t mean that people should seek isolation and become enclosed; no, I envision something else… It is important sometimes that we stand back from the rushes of everyday life and find time to bring gratitude into our minds, and count our blessings. Because once we give change the voice in our heads, the navigation through our challenges become an enlightening one!

This is something I’ve strongly felt lately. Everything – absolutely all things – about our perceptions on events channel the results we desire…

Once our thinking takes a new platform and moves away from discouraging thoughts, everything positive in life comes forth, and things we see good work in our favour. It all begins with The Self and how we perceive life and the world around us…

It all changes once our attitude about that thing sees it with meaning and gratitude; once our presence opens up and invites the unknown, the more we see day-to-day challenges with true victory and compassion.

The more we question cynically, close ourselves off and indeed see the negative, shall that be the result we see coming forth…

It’s all a process; I know I won’t be a changed man overnight, but new hope rises within me – so I believe good things are coming.

God has never deserted me on this journey in life; in fact, I receive visions of the many blessings and treasures I presently have, and the many wonderful things to come!

This isn’t a one-way force; I see that we’re all connected in this symphony we call life – where the vibes are shared collectively, all depending on the tone we choose to give it, negative or positive.

I invite the latter!

Have a beautiful day.

Yours always, Jay.

Nn.nkp's Dear Diary