Dear Diary,

Home doesn't feel like home these days. I have been going through my emotional ride again and the reason this time is only me. I feel scared almost all the time when it comes to dealing with my emotions. I started dating again and the guy is actually really nice, treats me well, loves me and almost everything that i would desire in a guy, but then again why do I feel like lost at times. My emotional episodes have started increasing. Its good somedays but then its shit somedays. which is kind of normal ik but it makes me feel very drained. I have a history of very toxic exes and emotionally abusive ones. It took me years to move on, I am still healing and on my path of self love.. I know things are not always gonna be butterflies and starts but why do I feel this way again and again. It literally hurts my heart and drains my energy worrying all the time and stressing over things. sometimes it makes me even question that do I even love the guy or am I again just desperate for love, or am I with him just cause he is a nice guy. I really need this emotional rollercoaster to just end. It is draining me too much again. The suicidal thoughts are coming back on some days, on which i would never ever act upon but I am just tired you know. I can fight it i know that and i will keep working no matter what but its just too tiring. I just for once in my life want some peace or idk. I am just lost again.

P.S. I KNOW THIS IS JUST A PHASE AND IT WILL GO AWAY AND I WILL BE ALL OKAY.

-S

Panda's Dear Diary