April 23, 2026

Dear Diary,

i cant do this...i just wanna be loved...

i just wanna be held and kissed on the forehead while being assured that i can cry and that everythings gonna be okay, that i can curl up in the arms of the boy i love..that im safe. I havent felt safe like that in so long...i just want it to stop. i want it to go away, i want the feelings to stop. he keeps saying im 'obsessed' with him. im not obsessed. im scared of losing him. im scared of not being loved anymore. im scared of having to move on.

im scared because i dont wake up to the boy i love, a boy with a smile like sugar cubes and a voice like honey, saying he loves me asking how i slept anymore.

im scared because that face that reminds me of the summer sun and lips that feel like a melody only i could hear, arent kissing me anymore.

im scared because those loving arms that felt like being in a big warm blanket during a storm arent there to hold me anymore.

im scared because that beautiful boy, with eyes full of love and a heart made of gold and full of sunshine, isnt by my side anymore.

im scared, because i feel like all of that means that soon im going to be alone. that soon theres going to be a hole in my heart shaped like my lover that nobody else can fill, because theyre not him. nobody could ever replace the boy who feels like the incarnation of every happy memory ive ever had.

i know its just a break.

but its a break full of hurt and fights.

full of tears and feeling like im not good enough.

a break where every second of my existence i feel like im not enough.

a break that makes me feel like every breath i take is a breath that was wasted.

a break that feels like every moment of every day is another reason why i dont deserve him, another thing that is without a doubt my fault, even if he says its his own.

2 months.

Till june 11th.

49 days.

i cant live like this that long.

im not just scared to lose him.

im scared to lose myself.

im so sick of aphrodites cruel game, of the way she makes me love and choose someone who i feel like would choose anyone else over me if he had the chance.