April 22, 2026

As I sit here at my desk with tasks finished with a heavy heart, my mind starts to drift and wonder as it does constantly. My heart and mind are at a constant battle against each other. Seeking peace and finding meaning, are they the same? Could it be that I am wrong to think what is on my mind? Or is my heart to blame?

I met someone unexpectedly by ways no one can explain nearly 2 months ago, ever since life has started to feel consistently more and more meaningful. I find myself more controlled, softer, and more shy than usual. I have not even met her in person and yet I dream about her, I pray for her and I often find myself relating or caring about her when there is no need and it is indeed quite worrisome. I am aware of limits and I do not let my heart control my mind as I have my duties as a person. Yet every so often, my heart finds a way through to what my mind has hidden from it. I will inevitably be forced to shut everything or else it could be deterring me from carrying out my daily dues. Nevertheless as every case gets solved and every page turns till the book closes, I'll be met with the very thing I try to avoid.

Now I find myself feeling silly, I was set on never considering anyone just months ago and yet now I type this out on my desk to due to my own lack of clarity. Perhaps clarity was never the concern, perhaps it's what the heart doesn't accept what the mind already knows. Perhaps it's "what could be", that's what makes my heart muster up the courage to be brave, but it is my mind that holds it down and tell me to observe and not jump too quickly. I am neither excited nor am I at unease, quite the contrary. I am at peace knowing it is written and that I would not miss what is written for me and I would not attain what isn't for me no matter what I try. Perhaps my heart longs the peace it seeks, shouldn't it already be enough?

All this yet, I am certain. If it brings good for me, it shall be made easy and will be attainable and if it is not then I shall accept and not pursue it.