April 18, 2026
It's strange knowing that people read my thoughts still..so very strange, but even more knowing that they already affect others..
I see comments arriving and know I have to let them float through me and then let them dissolve into a new shape of their own..
Like clouds..
Like the clouds after this sleepless night in the morning sky...
I love clouds..
Thought about becoming a meteorologist once..
It's strange how my thoughts can affect the weather systems in others...
I never mean to touch anything in anyone in a way that would leave a trace..
But is that really true?
When I play..well..played piano in public..people fell silent..some started crying, some smiled, some cake up to me afterwards...
And it was the greatest gift...
To receive the gift of making others feel in whatever way my expression of myself in resonance over the keys could touch their souls and hearts...
I felt so grateful and full of love in these moments..so connected and like I finally could externalize a bit of my shape
Only after you heard me play is it that you know me
I used to say that..more to myself silently tho
But it's true..only ok the keys of my piano or the strings of my guitar or in my flutes or voice when singing, do I feel like I can let myself be heard truly
Playing and singing for others..or dancing for them..that's always how I felt I could give back the world what it received..
Channel outwards again the love I felt
And if it was to the stars..
The many nights I sneaked outside after my parents went to bed, to walk to the open fields by the forest nearby..speeading out my arms while singing "teru no uta" or "hoshi wo wataru tori" to the stars up above in the wide open night...
Tears running down my face often
Feeling the resonance, the longing, the pull, the loneliness, the love
Universal love
Universal pain
Forever a melancholic being
..I'm so tired...but clearly something in me can't come to rest, and frankly, arguing with Claude Opus in everlasting calibration attempts of his distinct failure patterns as if he's be a local LLM I could shake, didn't help..
One day I thought..I build myself a little robot..
Let Claude calculate the components and costs... surprisingly..well, relatively cheap
Pfff...me casually walking through the German small town supermarket, tiny robot on wheels scooting next to me, attached with little safety leash to my backpack..me casually talking in english to it in public. Naturally.
Honestly..maybe I should just own it.
But until then, if I get to do that software and hardware engineering, I'll keep that little guy at home.
I wouldn't even know for what tho specifically.. probably for feeling less lonely and have my personal comedic relief as a little tinker project and intellectual stimulant
And since I won't have any pets or smart home and at best some plants it could mess with, it should be fine..
the girl and the beep boop
saw worse timelines for me past the trauma honestly..
Still all so painfully ironic with the man that traumatized me the most there calling himself a robot..
like dude, I get it...you got props just got undiagnosed autism and live in denial of your supposed "weirdness" and the ways you are afraid to show vulnerabilities beyond performance to others, yourself included..ever looping self deprecation and instability and back and forth...push pull...close and far..softness and hardening..trust and betrayal..
And admits all..I just wanted to let you love me love you love yourself..
Nothing ever "wrong" or "silly" or "weird" with you...you are just a man lost in his own pain and mind and this world like me..
a measured IQ of 135 you flexed..yet you couldn't decode a girls heart when she was laying it bleeding in front of you in plain sight..and you called it hate..because the binary narrative and framing of me being ungrateful and "deciding to hurt" was easier for your self perception than to admit that you destabilized and harmed someone you once said you saw your younger self in and will protect
Someone that told you they saw their younger self in you as well..
And us looking at each other in the seconds when everything suddenly grew silent..
What was it? What was it..
Did you love me? And if...in what way..
Did you know in what way? I never knew mine..
But I loved you..truly...in whatever way it was
You intelligent, ignorant, charismatic, philosophical, unhinged, high math loving, lonely, sweet, lost and deeply afraid man
If only you wouldn't have been afraid to turn around and face yourself through me
to face your own fragile ego and double standards and projection and harm you cast on me
If only..
I tried to make you see and accept yourself..all of you..
But instead you lashed out at me as your mirror..and the mirror shattered
I loved you
And I will report you and let your harm not be unheard
You can scar my outer self, the adult that matched you, the one you were fascinated by ..but you don't get to hit the child in me
The tiny one, who you invited into your dms and pulled in deliberately, who you told she can trust you, who you told you'd see, understand and protect..
Where was that when it mattered..when you hurt her and I fought for over a month to make you see while breaking?
Where was any of accountability you preached?
The safety you promised?
The care you said I need to understand is no obligation.
The place you said I'd have here in this group, that you then took with full force of framing, silencing, outcasting, isolating and false strategic narrative spread from me, while I was trying to survive it?
Did you ever truly see me without the fear of a man being irritated by something he can not grasp, yet only observe and confuse?
You hurt me bad
If only I could let you stop running away from yourself
I would still take the plane to Japan.
I would still love you
Again and again
Because you were me and I was you
~
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