April 08, 2026

Dear Diary,

I finally asked Holly, "Why do you feel compelled to have mom in your life and be there for her?" I am only in communication with my mom FOR Holly. To make her life easier. Mom likes to put Holly in the middle of our feuding or in the middle when we are not talking. That isn't fair to Holly. Mom has literally never been there for Holly. She threw her away before she was even 10 years old. They only started talking about 10 years ago or so. Holly is now 41. I have grown older and more aware of the toxicity that mom is to her children and grandchildren. She only cares about herself and has always been that way. I was just blind to it and accepted that the way my life with her in my life; was normal. It isn't. It is toxic in all ways. While I am aware that she is the only parent I have left alive, doesn't mean I have to have her in my life. I wish things were different and She COULD be in our lives, but that would mean she would have to be more selfless. Put forth effort towards her family. She takes it for granted and expects us to just be there and have no questions asked. She is not honest with us. Maybe that is because she isn't honest with herself. I am not sure. But I am tired of being the one that does for others in this relationship between my mother and myself. I ask how she is doing, or how work is going, etc. She doesn't ever ask questions about me or my family. Ever. I am awaiting Holly's answer. We were talking on the phone when I asked, but her boss called and she has to call me back to answer me and finish the conversation. She has told me that she doesn't want me to talk to mom FOR her. She knows the anxiety and stress it brings me just talking to her or being in the same room as her. Even when mom is in a good mood, I am anxious and sitting on pins and needles because I am waiting for something. Not sure what, but waiting for the disappointment to occur and waiting for her to upset me again. It has become my normal emotions in her presence and while communicating via technology. Maybe that is MY problem. Maybe I have to work through that. It was caused by so much trauma in history. BUT, if I work on that, it doesn't ensure mom will change and be a better person. I could just be started the process of trauma all over again. I have grown tired of that head game and it wears too much on me. I don't even know how i would say any of this to mom to walk away from her and her not put Holly in some kind of uncomfortable situation. How would I broach that conversation and for it to not have negative effects on Holly? TO be continued..