Dear Diary,
I wanted write a background story first then about present but I am not in that condition right now.
I am not feeling well, the body is paining... And it is due to stress obviously... when I woke up in the morning, my eyes were swollen due to crying so much yesterday night.
I still feel that AB overreacted to the thing... although I didn't tell him this before...and Idk why I told him about the Hyd on the day after our engagement...I felt that he wasn't okay with it but I thought that now after 20 days...he already knew so he has left that behind but I was wrong...it affected him a lot... and that too birthday wish wala thing also trigged something inside him...I really feel that getting a birthday wish from your ex and replying a thank you for it is absolutely okay...I see no issues in that but I guess everyone has their own perception.
I genuinely didn't understand this reaction...but yesterday afternoon I was quite happy and I felt that meri hi nazar na lag jaye meri Khushi ko...and wahi hua...he wasn't okay with that Hyd thing and it came out altogether yesterday...
I never saw this side of him...the way he was yesterday...the things he said ...I never saw that coming...I am worried after that reaction... idk how would I be able to deal with this behaviour in future if anything happens...
it turned something off inside me... although I tried to pacify him all day...I apologised too as I know he is hurt coz of me...or his ego is hurt too... for obvious reasons. He said my Ig pictures will haunt him...I archived those pictures... which is not me at all...I never delete pictures once posted...never...I have never done this but I did this today so that it may bring little peace to his mind. I am not a person who hold grudges with anyone... I forgive people so things don't haunt me at all but every individual is different.
I know that I am quite sensitive but he is extreme sensitive...
Atleast I expect him to be soft with me... however big his ego is...it shouldn't be important or bigger than me for him...but let's see.
Things aren't well till now and I don't understand the concept of not sorting things out...this is the first time when any uncomfortable thing is getting carried forward more than that day
Anyways I hope, things may get better tomorrow morning. I won't try anymore...he should respond now. I tried a lot today.
Also, I feel that he doesn't care for me much, he misses me, he thinks of me but I don't feel that care from his side... it's not that I haven't felt the care from him..
Before we met he was into caring mode... after we met... everything got fixed...he was still quite caring...I feel from mid of April... things have changed... everything has been always about him...and less about me... atleast I feel this...
Right now, I am not in a good state of mind...all I wish that he gets better soon...he said that he doesn't wanna know anything anymore but I should let him get out of it... that's it
So, yeah!
Right now, I don't know how I feel, all the happiness just vanished...I don't know about my feelings as well...I thought he had a past relationship...he would understand...but I was wrong.
I always feel something is missing...now I get to know what is missing...I always wanted that safe feeling...that feeling of being protected but that lacks here coz I wanted him to be my safe place where I can say anything without filters and this person will always stand by my side, listen to me without any judgement...but what's missing are two feelings... first...I need to think that I might say something which will hurt him so I am not able to fully express myself... that safety and protector feeling is missing.
Second, I feel he doesn't care enough about me...I have hopes that in future he will care for me enough so that I might feel that affection and care from his side.
Right now, only I can keep my fingers crossed 🤞🏻.
Right now I am unwell, physically, emotionally and mentally. Having body aches and I felt that something is not okay with me as I found my hands shivering due to overthinking...
I hope I might fall asleep today.
I have many good things to write as well...next time.
Bbye
'" jaha pyaar hota hain waha narazgi nahin hoti, umeed hoti hai "'