Dear Diary,
I remember now why I stopped writing so much; LIFE! When I first started a diary I had little to no responsibilities and could just hop on the pc and type away. Now I have kids and a husband and a household and more bills. Plopping down with the laptop just doesn't happen as easy. But it is what it is.
I've got to reschedule my therapist appointment. I canceled it because I've literally been as far in my shell as I can be. I've avoided calls, texts, and just as much human interaction as possible. I do this when life stresses me out too bad or my anxiety smothers me. I live on the verge of tears and having to put on a face and tell people I'm ok just tips the scale for me. I can't do it. So I have to reschedule appointments I canceled, apologize to family and friends, and try and get myself back in the land of the living.
I know, you would think oh anxiety and stress, the most important time to talk to your therapist, so GO! My brain doesn't work that way unfortunately. My brain says if you open your mouth to talk, you will start crying and won't stop. So I just hide in my dark hole and become a hermit. I hate that I do it but I always think it's better being alone than letting my emotions get the best of me and I lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it.
I think I lashed out so much when I was a young adult and made such chaos, that it's what makes me withdraw now. I've tried so hard to unbecome that person I was that any time I think I might be turning back to it, I just shut down. But in that moment of shut down, I think of why I'm doing it and EVERY stupid decision or mistake I've made comes back, like a brick to the face. I also think of the reactions from others who were with me when I was that person. Especially my ex husband. I can still hear the things he'd say or the see the looks on his face; still remember the way he made me feel in the bad times. My husband now is NOTHING like my ex, but still, that fight or flight activates in me and I'm out. Done. Shut the door, lock it, deadbolt it, and block it.
Sigh...my therapist doesn't get paid enough.