Dear Diary,
This is my first entry. I don't even know where to begin. How do I unpack my head, a lifetime worth of pain, abuse, and trauma, into one diary entry? I suppose I don't have to. I can just start with today and take it one step at a time. So, here we go...
I'm never enough. I'm never good. I'm never right, or the right person. The only times people poured love into me was when my daughter was in the hospital for months and then again when my husband passed away. Before and after those times... I'm worthless. I've been told it so many times by so many people and have vehemently denied it while trying to prove them wrong. I healed so I could grow and love more. So I could put the love out into the world that I so desperately craved, so I could be the warmth and kindness that I wished for everytime I caught 11:11 on the clock. It's never enough. I always manage to get hurt, and when I vocalize it in an attempt to fix things, I'm met with disdain and pettiness. I'm not familiar with those feelings, I don't ever want to be. So I distance myself. I apologize for burdening people and I retreat into myself. Into my sad, isolated world where I have nobody. And you know what? It's okay that I do that because nobody misses me. Nobody cares. Nobody misses a worthless person, that's why.
Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I just be happy and have people in my life who just want to laugh together, share life experiences and stories, and just support eachother? Why do I hav to go through life completely alone, with nobody around me? Not even parents or any semblance of family. Why don't I deserve this? I found my person, so many years ago. Life was incredible. Happy. Fun. Warm. Life was safe.... Then it was like God realized that this worthless child of his had something she didn't deserve, and He took him from me. He's in Heaven where he deserves to be, and I'm crying myself to sleep every night. Like I deserve to be...
How do you get past the realization that you're a waste of space here....? How do I live with the fact that He took the wrong parent that day? It should've been me. They should still have their dad, not me.
My heart is broken today.