Dear Diary,
Tum kisi pe aise hi give up nahi kar sakte, just because situation thik nahi hai ya fir ladai ho rahi hai kyunki hum ek dusre k sath rehne k liye ladai karte hain na ki chhor k jaane k liye, koi bhi relationship perfect nahi hota hai...dono logo ko mil k usko acha banana hota hai...
Yesterday I had a fight or I don't know what on the obvious reasons which was disturbing me from a long time, I chose to bring the topic knowing it's consequences...but it was high time to get things out of my mind and address what I feel...but kuch jada hi negative ho gaya...
My bp just shooted up out of stress, anger, sadness and idk how but when this happens my body starts shaking...I chose to sleep and leaving things as it is...
Then, he called me showed some concern and ordered me food which wasn't required coz I can't say that he has ordered for me coz I don't know what's next so I can't let my parents know that he ordered food and 3 days later I am saying that things are not good or we should not move further, it will break their heart.
I asked him for a call, he says there is no use of it now...I said okay but he called and we talked on the issues but wasn't able to figure out anything.
Yesterday night was very difficult for me, as in the winter season, I was feeling so hot and sweaty...I turned on the fan on full speed, turned on AC at 20 but still wasn't feeling any better, I got into sleep but not a sound sleep, I felt that I don't know if I will be able to even wake up tomorrow or I might faint at night or something is gonna happen to me...I am not gonna get a normal morning tomorrow...but with God's grace, I woke up in full consciousness. I need to control over my emotional well-being and health...I need to meditate... that's I have realised.
Other things I learnt or realised yesterday -
1. I got to know what I am looking for (the kind of person or things I need to look for marriage)
2. How much to share and how much to forget and never share it.
3. How I should behave, how much I should open up, how much distance I need to maintain with that person and so on...
4. And realised why I chose him or it was easy for me to be with him (SS).
I am a very different person today, I guess I also need time to figure out things whether he is the one or not, do I really want him / person like him in my life, and what if we don't end up together, I am prepared for that too... atleast I learnt some lessons from my mistakes and experiences like how to behave and how not to... which will help me in future.
Sometimes, I think do I really want to marry him as thinking about the present scenario but then I also think that there is not always a honeymoon phase, people fight - people get away with it, people come closer to it or they learn something and then this fighting phase also goes away... and we enter in a new phase...
And I also think, relationships become bland, then somedays very exciting, some days there is too much love, somedays there is no love, there will be days when you can't withstand the person you love, somedays you will shower plenty of love, so ending this is not a solution, instead working on it is... making things better is a solution coz you have put all your efforts to reach this point, so giving up means letting your time, effort, emotions getting in vain and ending something which would have turned beautiful by little more efforts.
But sometimes I feel, that some relations have an expiry date, uske baad it's not worth it and maybe I need an opposite personality in my life so that he can handle me, my emotions, my insecurities, tolerate me at times and never ever give up on me and make me feel secure and instead of cold behaviour, I get warmth...
So, yup that's all, I don't know what stored in the future, but I always believe that anything happens, happens for good, us samay samjh nahi aa raha hota hai but baad me samjh aata hai...
And I am forgiving person, I can't keep holding on anger, hate, I even can't hate someone for too long...but people fail to understand this nature of mine...
All I know that you never know if you have any tomorrow or not, or tomorrow might be dreadful, so don't leave good things for tomorrow, make it happen today and live in the moment. Life is too short for keeping grudges, anger and hate...and ye sab bhi maine time & experiences k sath sikha hai... I wasn't like this hamesha se...
Okay bye (13:13)