November 01, 2024

 

Dear Diary,

Been a bit since I last wrote here... So, grandma made it official. Now that I am old enough, she finally said everything she wanted to say. Maybe. Maybe there would've been more if she had the chance.

To her, I am a spoiled brat. A b*tch. An addict. A sl*t. And many other things. Though, I believe my grandma needs to get a dictionary, as I am aware of what I am, and am not. I may be a brat, and maybe I am spoiled. But all the other things... She clearly thinks I'm a mirror of her of sorts. 

As she has admitted to believing.

I'm a bit surprised though by the other part; That I should die. That I should jump off a cliff and off myself. To begone. To no longer exist.

I think, I've dealt with her prejudice, and racism, and expectations of a person I do not wish to be.

I am not a puppet. I will not be controlled ever again.

My grandma was supposed to be my safe place.

I'm starting to see why everyone in the family talks so nastily of her in the first place. 

And why they warned me not to live with her.

It wasn't just that they wanted to keep the abuse hidden, but they knew my grandma was worse.

A wolf in sheep's clothing in a way.

Seems and acts kind, but not so much on the inside.

She still gets annoyed when she scolds me about how I do not show enough emotions, that I do not smile enough.

Forcing me to smile, because she says so. Because she says she will get into trouble if I look the way I do.

A resting b*tch faced brat with mental health problems.

Ah yes, clearly she'll get into trouble because I look as such.

When in reality, I just don't feel comfortable being forced to smile all the time.

it hurts.

It's straining.

I can smile, laugh and enjoy life without smiling constantly every moment.

I do not need to practice smiling in the mirror to mask my usual expression.

I am not emotionless.

I am not ungrateful.

I do show my gratitude.

I enjoy life more when I am gone.

Out of sight.

I'll leave soon.

Very soon.

Just as she wishes. 

But not by ending my life.

I love life.

Life is a struggle, but that's okay for me.

Because of the struggles I've put up with, I have learned a lot from a young age.

Unfortunately, trusting loved ones will never be the same as it was when I was as young as four years old.

I miss when I was young.

But I'm glad i've grown up, and knowing fully that there is still more to learn.

More skills to obtain.
Maybe I'll learn to look more the way I feel in a positive way, than looking like someone with negativity.

Though, to be fair. No one has ever had an issue with me as my grandma does.

Maybe she is dramatic?

Maybe she isn't as open minded as she claims to be.

Plus, if I ended my life as she wants, who would be there for my siblings.

They still haven't stopped fighting since I left.

They don't get along as we all used to.

Maybe they've grown apart permanently. I hope not. Maybe when I move near them again, we can bond like we used to.

Be silly and enjoy each others company. Face struggles together.

Maybe I can help them like I used to.

I hope it's not too late to have memories with them again...

Be patient, Karma.

Patience is key.

Kindness is a virtue.


Love and trust are not handed over because someone demands of it.

I'm sorry grandma, that I can't do better.

But I am also sorry you don't like the person I've become.

But, knowing now.

You can stop demanding my love, trust, and commissions. 

Those aren't for free.

Good luck, this is what revenge I will enjoy.

You acted like I was just gonna illustrate your book with my art. Telling everyone I was gonna be your artist.

Glad my art is the only thing you can love.

That, and your ego.

Maybe she's the spoiled one... Too many people treating her as the goddess she claims to be...


I'm not that petty, I don't think.

It is my art, I have a right not to do free commissioning.


I wish fighting wasn't in the stars of favor.

I see no favor.

The stars in favor, left this family a long time ago.


Hopefully when I do leave, the threats leave as well.


Though, then again, I know she won't hit me, let alone end me herself.


Since I've never once hit her, or shown any sign of violence, which she herself brought up. Telling me how lucky I was, that I wasn't a violent person, otherwise she would've already bashed me in the head, and made me wish I didn't.


She loves her threats, and her strengths in law.


But it is also her downfall if she does go against what she says herself.


Though, I am more sorry for my grandpa... He genuinely seemed so said when she tried kicking me out...

I'll miss having him around. Never knew a grandpa could be so awesome, and kind till him.

Blood or not. I'm glad to call him family.


And I'm sorry for the fact i'll be leaving him with her... 


Wonder what she'll do once i'm gone, and she no longer has someone to control, to demand of, and scold, to say how much she hates me for not being just white, not doing things exactly as her OCD-absorbed self "deserves".

I wonder if she even realizes how racist she actually sounds.

I doubt she does though considering she always seems to have to say at the end, "I'm not racist though." every time.


Well... I should go now, there's always plenty to share, but my head is spinning again. I'm tired. I can't wait to be out of this dramatic woman's presence.


Uh... Jus the thought of her finding this makes my blood run cold... 

See, more proof I am not emotionless you blind creature!

Ngl, feels weird talking so badly about someone... But the stress just keeps adding up, and so far, this is helping...


Wonder how many more times she'll try saying she isn't gonna talk to me anymore, only for her to come to me not even ten minutes later with her daily scolding and complaints, and her "Oh, your so lucky your not.. blah blah blah..." or "I had it so much worse than you when I was younger. Be glad you have your grandpa's support, you spoiled brat."


I wonder if I'm dramatic...

I know I'm lucky having the support I do have.

I've always been grateful.

Everyone else has assured me they know it.

Why is it just her that thinks so nastily then.


And how am I ruining her life, by not letting her tell random strangers about where I live, how old I am, and my race, and mental health.

Is she trying to get me targeted by weird ones?

Isn't it my right that I don't want others knowing so much sensitive information?


Till next time, dear diary... Till next time...

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