Sunshine,
Today I sent my first PhD application after my graduation. For the last months, I struggled to find a meaning to my existence. My mind was torn apart, caught between going back to my country and looking for work/PhD opportunities all over the world. The first one would help me be close to my parents who are now quite old. I love them dearly and it tears my heart to see them lonely. Of course, I am grateful they are close to each other. I'm glad they are true lovers and get each other out from the obscurity of loneliness. However, my mom always expresses that she dreams of having us back next to her. It is in every one of her prayers. My dad is against me going back. He told my sister he would be afraid for our safety there. A second reason I wanted to go back is for me to freely practice my religion and wear conservative clothes (normal hijab covering my private body parts, arms, legs, hair and ears. It is something obligatory in Islam no matter what the society turned to be. I want to have the freedom to pray on time. It is weird how I came to a "free-speech" country but I still can not practice my freedom that would never impact others. Those are the main motives. But, if I had to get back there I would have to give up on my career since my field of work is not really present yet there. The few opportunities I found were thousands of miles away from my parents which will defeat my purpose. Also, I, myself, won't feel safe living there alone. I decided to let down that idea.
As of today, I started to actively look for a job or, preferably a PhD. Since I can't legally do a PhD here, I started looking outside the country but I'm definitely not going outside of Europe. I want to stay close to my home country. I want to be able to be there if needed within a 5hours flight maximum. When applying to this offer, I fill in a form with my grades. I noticed all my grades were perfect before I met "Y....b". I was, as usual, that brilliant fun brat. However, the semester we started dating, my grades failed miserably and it continued throughout the years. It only started increasing at my first year of Master's degree when we had broken up. But, it wasn't enough. The second year it got much better. I graduated with honours but I know I deserved much better. I don't know how to explain/prove my worth. I'm not very good at interviews. My last one was a flop. I believe it's getting better with time and experience but I'm really suffering from staying at home.
However, I'm proud of myself for trying these days. The rest is only in the hands of God in whom I faithfully believe.
I have also successfully rebuilt my habit of reading. I opened a goodreads account. It's really helpful as it's helping me go through the books I have in my library. I also enjoyed finding readers there who share the same interests as me. Their recommendations were delightful. As for my garden, It's a success! The cherry tomatoes are yummy. I'm slowly adding pickeling cucumbers to my pickles jar. I continuously harvest use or dry my aromatics. I have also been enjoying uploading every remark/picture to my pinterest account. It's private and I accept no followers but it helps me keep a record of everything (time, pests, ...).
I also started adjusting my life routine to be healthier. I decided to go through everything slowly and started seeing results. Slowly building habits and slowly giving up on habits was the clue for all my problems.
I also started taking other people's advices. I hated advices before. But now, I know it will be better for me to learn from their experiences. I'm grateful.
May Allah keep guiding me to be the warm sunshine I always wanted to be.