August 07, 2024

I've never wanted to run away from my life more than I have recently. My husband, my animals... my loneliness. I have so many beings at my home yet I feel so lonely. I have my dogs, my cats, my husband, my mother-in-law & brother-in-law, and even my feral cats (momma cat and her little kitty fluffballs.) I just wish it was easier to find joy in my life. I don't even remember when it was, to be honest. These days, I am either ill, upset, hate my life or a combination of all 3 at the same time. Most of the time I don't even know why. 

I miss my Dad so much; I was always a Daddy's girl growing up, and it completely crushed me when he passed... just coming up 20 years ago now. After losing my Dad, it was only natural for me to latch on to my older brother, Steve, given he reminded me so much of my Dad. When Steve decided to take himself from this world I felt like I lost my brother and my Dad all over again. He was so much like my Dad. He talked just like him, acted like him, and was starting to look just like him as he was getting older. I'm sure that probably had to be hard on him as well, to see our Father every time he looked at himself in the mirror, wishing he hadn't died, missing him as much as I did. Now I'm missing both of them. God, what I wouldn't do to have both of them back.

I have my mother; I use that term loosely, of course. That's a story for another day though. I have my younger brothers as well, they are twins.. They grew up with my mother and I grew up with my Daddy and my Grandma. There's a story behind that, like every broken family. We aren't very close as you could imagine... But here, in my darkest hours, I'd almost pay for a conversation with one of them... I'd never initiate it though. There's a story behind that as well.

I think I need a friend.. or a therapist or something...