July 22, 2024

Dear Diary, it is with this day, that i decided to kill myself soon after my sons 10th birthday - in the first week of october 2024. I know, how selfish and weak that sounds - and it is. I am. 

I have everything, one could wish for; a wonderful wife, 2 awesome kids, no depts, a house with a lake (dept and rentfree), I planted trees and no financial problems.... and yet, i failed to be happy. Once again, i'm too little... too less.

For the last 2 weeks i was looking for help with my bipolarity and even tho some tried (if only for the para-social fulfillment of doing something good), i'm still unable to trust anyone. Its good now. Its enough now.

After my 3 trys with meds failed, i'm planning a fail-safe method...

i indent to write every day until i'm out; just for my family to later hear my last thoughts. And to reassurme them, that they did anything possible and it wasn't on them to save me... 

Today i'm weak and lost. So will i be tomorrow... but knowing that this is the final path, gives me some kind of relaxation.

My family will hate me... but i still believe, i hate myself way more day by day.
I'm done.